Let’s get one thing straight: those disturbing, hoodie-sporting rat-creatures to your left are not Alvin and the Chipmunks. They will never, in any universe, be Alvin and the Chipmunks. The Chipmunks did not rap, nor did they emulate gangstas, sing crap put out by the Pussycat Dolls, or chant “Bow-chicka-wow-wow!” at Dave when he was on a date. They were cute, wholesome-but-mischievous furry little dudes who sang high-pitched, sped-up versions of classic rock songs. They had fun adventures, they got in trouble when they messed up, and they were Dave’s adopted kids, not some smartmouthed, ferret-sized brats who tore his house apart.

Why Hollywood felt the Chipmunks needed a Poochie-fication is beyond me, but alas, the film made enough money to garner a sequel — or “squeakquel,” groan — this time, tarnishing my beloved Chipettes. I wanted to be a Chipette when I was around seven or so, but I doubt the new incarnations will be nearly as, uh, inspirational.

Armed with this depressing news, I started Googling upcoming movies, and, sure enough, there are plenty of 80’s ripoffs among them, most every bit as devoid of creativity as you’d think. With that in mind, I came up with the following quiz: See if you can guess which of the following Gen-X-bait movies are actual films in production, and which I came up with off the top of my head. Answers after the jump.

1. Smurfs 3-D

The magic of CGI transforms the little blue guys into creepy, unconvincing three-dimension versions of themselves who live deep in the Uncanny Valley. While this G-rated concoction might not answer such pressing questions as “Are the Smurfs really Commies in disguise?” and “Will Vanity finally come out of the closet?,” it is guaranteed to lodge that theme song (“La, la, la la, la la, la, la la, la la . . .”) in your head for days. John Lithgow provides the voice of Gargamel.

2. Marmaduke

The 55-year-old comic strip, which somehow still manages to occupy the comics pages despite the fact that no one ever reads it, comes to the big screen in an ill-conceived mashup of live-action and CGI. Well, in a world where Garfield can gross $199 million and be deemed worthy of a sequel . . .

3. Strawberry Shortcake’s Berry Big Movie

Strawberry Shortcake and friends defend Berry Land from the wicked Sour Grapes (voice of Fran Drescher) and Peculiar Purple Pie Man (Christopher Lloyd). Miley Cyrus voices a singing Strawberry in this colorful foray through the CGI berry patch – dolls, soundtrack, and plush pets soon to be sold near you. Sadly, the coolest Strawberry character, Mexican potter Café Ole, whose doll smelled like mocha (!), does not put in an appearance.

4. ALF

Through the power of CGI, the wisecracking, cat-eating alien returns. This time, the Tanner family must protect him from bumbling FBI agents who want to subject him to an Area 51-style dissection. Under threat from the government, ALF and the Tanners, including young Brian and teenaged Lynn (Hayden Panettiere), hop a spaceship to ALF’s home planet of Melmac, where they have numerous adventures, including Brian’s stint as a squid pitcher in a Bouillabaisseball league.

5. Stretch Armstrong

Starring Jackie Chan as an Asian spy who gains amazing powers of stretchability and goes on to fight evil. If you pop him, will there be corn syrup inside?

6. Goonies 2: Secret of the Silver Skull

Corey Feldman  — how much more 80’s can you get? – returns to the Goon Docks, this time as a workaholic dad whose love for adventure is rekindled when his kids discover a second treasure map. This time, the special effects are less cheesy, but the plot’s much the same, featuring a group of smart-alecky, ethnically diverse kids navigating a series of Indiana Jones-style booby traps.

7. The Tooth Fairy

Wrestling’s The Rock stars as Derek Thompson, a hockey player nicknamed “The Tooth Fairy” for his habit of divesting opponents of their bicuspids. Derek gets his come-uppance, though, when he’s forced to work as a real tooth fairy – complete with tutu, wings, and magic wand. After some initial struggles, Derek comes to grips with the job, and rediscovers his childhood dreams in the process. Also starring Ashley Judd as Derek’s love interest and Julie Andrews as the Head Tooth Fairy.

8. Masters of the Universe

You know you’ve been waiting for this one: He-Man (Gerard Butler) defends Eternia against the evil forces of Skeletor! By the looks of things, though, it’s going to be yet another loud, dumb CGI-laden summer blockbuster in the vein of Transformers. Hardcore fans are already grumbling over changes to the canon, especially the large role played by She-Ra (Malin Ackerman).

9. Ramona and Beezus

Selena Gomez of Disney Channel fame stars as Beezus in this adaptation of the beloved children’s book. Will the film be remotely as charming as the original, or will producers tack on a subplot about Beezus’s crush on a boy and turn Ramona into a wisecracking brat? Find out in March 2010.

10. The A-Team

Because it must be said: I pity the fool who decided to make this movie! Who could possibly ever fill Mr. T’s chains? Certainly not rapper/actor Common, who’s rumored to be playing B. A. Baracus. The rest of the cast looks promising, though, with Liam Neeson as Hannibal and Bradley Cooper as Faceman.

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