If I had a million dollars

I would buy you a monkey

You always wanted a monkey

–The Barenaked Ladies

Is there anything cuter than a baby monkey? How about a baby monkey wearing a diaper?

I know it’s weird, but lately I’ve developed a Cuteness Fetish for pictures and videos of lil’ baby monkeys. Maybe it’s a maternal instinct gone awry, or maybe I’m going backward on the evolutionary scale. All I know is that little capuchins and mangabeys are right up there with kittens and pandas on the squee-inducing scale. Luckily, YouTube’s a goldmine of mini-monk sweetness.

There’s little Lenny, who trills like a bird:

Then there’s darling Irwin, the capuchin. He wears a diaper, drinks from a bottle like a baby, plays with toys, and sleeps in a basket filled with stuffed animals. This little guy is just meltingly cute, with big dark eyes and lanky limbs that he hasn’t quite learned to coordinate yet (in most of his videos, he’s 8 weeks old). His owner has disabled embedding, but you can follow these links to the cuteness: here’s Irwin rather placidly taking his first bath, conking out in the manner of a sleepy kitten, munching fruit, and playing with his “brother,” Darwin.

I should note that, in most cases, monkey ownership is not such a great idea. They can turn aggressive and bite when they reach maturity, they “play” with household objects by smashing them or tearing them apart, and they’re hard to keep in line unless you have zookeeper-level animal-training skills. Monkeys require a huge level of commitment — like that shown by Irwin’s owner, who has built a fancy outdoor enclosure for him that’s basically a small zoo exhibit.

As for adorable undiapered zoo babies, how about Conchita, the newborn mangabey at the London Zoo? Conchita was born via C-section and zookeepers hand-raised her while her monkey mom was recovering. Like a cute, gangly, fur-covered preemie, Conchita sucks her thumb, clings to a teddy bear, and has to be burped after her bottle:

Finally, there’s Emily, the luckiest toddler in the world. She got to have a playdate with a baby orangutan named Rishi while her photographer dad was documenting an animal preserve in Miami. The N.C. Department of Health has asked that I remind you to have insulin on hand before you click on this link or peruse the following picture:

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy two car seats and a bunch of bananas before I run off to Miami . . .