“He’s Dead, Jim”: Starfleet’s Least Dignified Redshirt Deaths

Ever wonder why Starfleet officers are such policy wonks and butt-kissers par excellence? Well, it’s probably because they spend their entire ensignhood frantically trying to get promoted. Because low-ranking officers, as almost any episode of the Original Series proves, have an astronomical mortality rate. Send one down to any random planet with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, and, chances are, soon you’ll be prepping the 24^th-century version of a telegram.

As if the 1-in-2 chances of a sudden violent death weren’t bad enough, there’s also a very high probability that a redshirt will kick the bucket in a spectacularly embarrassing way. And by ‘spectacularly embarrassing,’ we mean stuff like ‘done in by plants, rocks, or robots that resemble aluminum foil-covered buckets.’ We mean that, when asked about your death, your relatives will mutter something about “killed in the line of duty” and leave it at that. Which is surely what they’ll do for these unfortunates, who bear the dubious honor of succumbing to one of the Most Inglorious Deaths in Starfleet History:

Do Not Incur the Wrath of Vaal

Gamma Trianguli VI: Edenic paradise, ancestral homeworld of the Oompa Loompas – and an absolute deathtrap for redshirts. One such ensign gets struck by lightning. What would be a fairly commonplace death, under normal circumstances, is rendered hilarious by a combination of bad 60’s special effects and the fact that he is the third redshirt to meet his fate within five minutes. They’re dropping faster than Tribbles in a vat of poisoned quadrotriticale!

Danger, Will Robinson!

In “The Changeling,” the episode that set the record for cannon fodder, a clumsy, slow-moving robot that looks like the poor man’s version of the ‘bot from “Lost in Space” deems four redshirts insufficiently logical, and obliterates them in a burst of red light. Get the message, viewers? Computers are evil! Up with humans!

Up With Humans, Part Deux

Computers only seem to exist on the Original Series in order to run amok and reassure the audience that, yes, however “smart” technology gets, humans will still be superior. Because no human would ever take out a hapless redshirt who simply bent over to examine something with a tricorder.  That would be senseless, and inhumane, and indicative of a total lack of emotion and empathy, and . . . pretty freakin’ funny. Up with evil computers!

Agent Orange

Or how about this redshirt, who couldn’t stop a guy wearing sparkly orange plastic armor? Some security detail. Worf would have puked.

Cupping Gone Horribly Wrong

Oh, those wily, wily women. You never know when one’s going to cheat on you, distract you from your duties, abandon Starfleet to get married – or mutate into a salt-sucking she-beast. The latter’s what happened to this poor officer. In a death that was surely in no way representative of the writers’ attitude towards women, a beautiful gal slunk into his arms, then transformed into a hideous monster, who, like some vampire armed with a miniature plunger, extracted the life force from his body, leaving him a pucker-ridden corpse.

Darn Kids These Days!

Of course, even that’s better than getting vaporized by an annoying teenager with the craziest eyes since Gowron:

Sure, the guy was kind of asking for it by taunting Charlie X, but, still, Charlie was a pain. Actually, pretty much anybody under 18 in the Original Series was irritating as all get out. Like these brats:

Nope, no mini-Klingons, lil’ Ktarians, wannabe “reporters,” or dorky “geniuses” in bad sweaters for good ol’ TOS. And, what’s better, the episodes always wound up with the “grups” firmly in control. Now, where did I leave those dentures?

I Didn’t Mean to Call You Bigfoot!

On Taurus II, one hapless flunky gets crucified by a Yeti. Not so bad, you say? At least a Yeti’s a dangerous monster, you say? Well, it’s somewhat less than noble when you actually see the Yeti in question and realize the guy got skewered by a man in a fur coat wielding a Halloween prop:

Let’s just hope the dude’s family never gets to see these pictures.

There’s a Reason They Paint Targets Red

There’s no better proof of the trope that redshirts are expendable than this trigger-happy fellow. Had that Capellan’s aim been off by a little to the right or left, Kirk or McCoy would have been no more. But, no, the guy had to point his phaser at Capella’s answer to William Tell and — thwack!

To make matters worse, he was done in by a guy wearing a wetsuit decked out with fringe rescued from somebody’s grandma’s curtains:

Whatever They Offer You, Don’t Feed the Plants

Back on Gamma Trianguli VI, a redshirt is killed when a plant expels its pollen into his chest. Granted, it’s a killer plant that shoots poison darts, but, still, it’s a plant. Dude was taken down by a pretty purple flower. Was this planet the inspiration for the Super Mario games or something?

I love the way the guy is looking down, too. He’s like, “Aw, man, this was a brand-new uniform!” And then he crumples to the ground. It’s unintentional Star Trek comedy at its best.

Death By Glitter

What’s more girly than being killed by a pretty purple flower? Being done in by a big swirly, sparkly cloud, of course! At least the guy in back got to ham it up a little before he bit the big one. You can tell he’s been observing Shatner.

And, just so you know they’re good and dead, the makeup department brought out the “Corpse Pallor White” powder.

The one closest to the rock looks like my cat when he wants to show me he’s “dying” of hunger. Maybe Bingley’s been watching Shatner, too.

But My Parents Did Name Me ‘Lieutenant’!

You know you’re expendable when your captain doesn’t even know your first name. Poor Lt. D’Amato, buried on an inhospitable planet, with only a cairn of rocks spray-painted ‘Autumn Russet’ to mark his final resting place. Kirk didn’t even bother to edit the guy’s tombstone: that should be an apostrophe, not a single quote!

Of course, Chakotay apparently didn’t have a first (or is it last?) name either:

And I suppose not having a first name is better than being named after beer:

D’Amato’s (D‘Amato’s? – God, I cringe just typing that) manner of death was pretty embarrassing, too: apparently he died of aesthetic horror when confronted with this lady’s makeup:

KA-BOOM!

If you’re a redshirt on Gamma Trianguli VI, the most innocuous things can kill you: plants, soil, water . . . and even rocks. This dude simply stepped on a rock and was blown to bits in an awesomely Lichtensteinian fashion. After the commercial break: an ensign trips over his shoelaces and dies.