Whenever I’m on a plane, I like to check out the SkyMall catalog. I have never purchased anything from it, nor do I plan to, but the strange items it offers up for sale never fail to amuse me. For some reason, the makers of this catalog believe being on a plane makes people susceptible to buying QVC-style crap they’d never look twice at on terra firma.

There’s a certain logic to that: being crammed in sardine-style for a 12-hour slog to Beijing, for example, can lower anyone’s resistance. At 3 in the morning, between 40-minute naps, contorted into a pretzel formation, with The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice playing as the in-flight movie overhead, rubber bands that promise an “instant face lift” can start sounding like a good idea.

But on shorter flights, SkyMall’s just a showcase for the worst aspects of a consumer society: mass-produced crap packaged as “collectors’ items,” complete with “certificates of authenticity,” and devices that appeal only to the desperately credulous, like laser and “ion”-emitting wands that purportedly regrow hair or erase wrinkles (because apparently, “sciencey stuff you don’t understand” = magic!). Then there’s the capitalizing on the ambient environment with the geegaws to make your flight more comfortable, including my favorite, the Drunken Crash Pillow.

But then there are products of such obvious inutility that they’re in a class by themselves: the groan-out-loud, why-would-anyone-buy-that? category. Here are this year’s prime offenders:

The Canine Genealogy Kit

Dying to know your mutt’s ancestry? Send in a sample of his spit to Hammacher Schlemmer, and, for only $59.95, you’ll finally figure out if Fido is part pit bull. Hammacher Schlemmer’s test can distinguish between 63 different breeds, but if that’s not accurate enough for you, send $124.99 and a blood sample to the Wisdom Panel (and anyone who does so is apparently immune to the irony of that name), which can trace your dog’s lineage back to any of 173 breeds.

Coming up next: Think that seat-kicker behind you is the spawn of Satan? Prove it to his parents with the Inflight Paternity Test! Only from SkyMall!

The Telekinetic Obstacle Course ($99.95)

This “game” allows you to move a foam ball through an obstacle course using only your theta brain waves. Its other function is to make you look like a gigantic dork as you strap a clunky bionic band to your head. Trekkies reading about this device will have only one question: Does it give you an orgasm every time you move up a level? Seriously, this sounds like a half-baked Scientology plot to take over the world – or at least recruit some dumb people with too much disposable income.

The Howard Hughes Collection

With the “Keep Your Distance” Bug Vacuum ($49.95), the Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer ($29.95), and the Nano-UV Disinfection Scanner ($59.95), you’ll never have to encounter organic material ever again! And, if you’re concerned about those filthy, bedbug-ridden hotel linens, invest in the PillowBuddy ($19.95), a “hypoallergenic,” “100% natural cotton” cover for your pillow, which differs from an ordinary pillowcase ($3.99) in some subtle way I am unable to determine.

The Pants Un-Heeled

In the ever-popular “problems you didn’t know you had” category comes Pants Un-Heeled, sticky strips you can attach to your pant cuffs to save yourself from the scourge of the “pant/heel” wedgie, SkyMall’s term for what happens when your cuffs get caught between the heel of your foot and the sole of your shoe. They’re $12.99 for 12 (strips, not pairs). Or you could always, you know, get your pants tailored.

The Solafeet Foot Tanner

If I had to nominate one product in this catalog for the “Most Likely To Start A Marxist Revolution By Virtue Of Its Very Existence,” it might well be the Solafeet, a $299.99 miniature tanning bed for your feet. As opposed to the sun, a giant ball of gas located 92 million miles from Earth, which will tan your entire body for free.

The Hide-Away Foot & Body Personal Infrared Sauna

Also known as the Christopher Pike emulator, this $499.00 device will “boost your immune system from the comfort of your own home.” It has infrared technology, and since you, the average SkyMall consumer, know all about electromagnetic radiation, you can be confident this sauna will make you healthier. Remember, one flash means yes, two means no!