That’s one offer Spielberg should be glad to accept. Jaa, a martial arts star of almost superhuman abilities, knows how to an execute a thrilling action sequence. And he and the directors appear share the same fundamental belief about action/adventure films, namely, that it’s fine to suspend logic and plausibility as long as you make things look really, really cool.

Spielberg’s influence is apparent throughout Ong-Bak. The film borrows much of its slender plot from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Bad guys steal a sacred relic from an impoverished village, causing drought and misfortune. To win it back, the hero must face a series of calamities, fighting off squadrons of goons before defeating the kingpin bad guy in a final climactic sequence.

But there’s a key difference. Temple of Doom harbored disturbing colonialist overtones: It featured a tribe of helpless Indian villagers menaced by a barbaric pagan cult (characterized by human sacrifice and the eating of monkey brains), who were saved by the intervention of two white people and one Chinese stereotype.

Ong-Bak, however, reclaims Temple of Doom for Asia. Its hero, Ting, is a native-born villager and a devout Buddhist. The bad guys, in this film, are the ones with no respect for religion, whereas Ting would risk his life to restore the head of Ong-Bak, a sacred statue of Buddha, to his hometown. He is seen praying and at a critical juncture in the film he draws strength from gazing upon another Buddhist statue.

Ting’s sidekicks, a con artist named Humlae and his partner, a tomboy called Muay, also owe something to the Indiana Jones trilogy; they’re reminiscent of Sallah and Short Round, respectively. Like the Indy characters, they follow the hero around, getting into trouble and having to be rescued and taking part, to comic effect, in his battles.

Ong-Bak also features one incredible fight scene almost certainly inspired by Indy’s escape from Nazi agents in the Cairo bazaar in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Like the Cairo scene, the Ong-Bak set piece takes place in a series of alleyways lined with vendors’ stalls. But here the alleys will be instantly familiar to anyone who’s spent time in an Asian city: the vendors are cooking dumplings and kabobs and selling knives, clothes, cheap sunglasses, and all manner of motley items. It’s a little love note to Asian urban life, combined with one killer, over-the-top action sequence. Jaa fights off his enemy’s goons with Muay Thai boxing moves while hurtling around and over cooking stalls, cars, kids blowing bubbles, a knife seller’s cart, and sundry other obstacles. At one point, in an absurdist touch worthy of the Simpsons, he squeezes between two panes of glass being carried by workmen. Goofy? Sure. But also breathtaking. Time and again and I found myself gasping and marveling, “How on earth does he do that?”

What’s even more remarkable is that Jaa does all his stunts without the aid of wires or CGI trickery. This gives the film a visceral feeling welcome in an age of overly slick, artificial-looking imagery. Spielberg—he of the corny monkeys-on-vines scene in Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull—ought to be taking notes.

That said, there were some notable contenders:

Gown of the Night: Anna Kendrick

Kendrick’s neo-Victorian number is loveliness itself. The off-the-shoulder neckline combined with delicate draping suggests a disheveled nymph, while the lace-trimmed slit adds a hint of flirtation, saving the gown from being too pretty-princess. It’s not often you see such an overtly feminine dress on the red carpet. I find it strangely refreshing in this era of deconstruction and bold statements. And I don’t even like pink.

A Close Runner-Up: Penelope Cruz

Count on Penelope to bring the glam! Her claret-colored gown brought a welcome shot of color to a drab Oscars. It relied on draping alone, without any extraneous detail for its impact, and yet appeared big and bold on that stage.

The Other Best-Dressed Women:

Cameron Diaz

Dia’s gown was the night’s best take on the Cinderella trend. Check out the cut of that skirt! You know she had fun twirling around in it. The encrusting of bling also helps lift the dress out of Neutral Blandsville, and her hair is gorgeous, too. Well played, Miss Diaz.

Rachel McAdams

McAdams’s swoop of a dress was very Monet-garden-party. The little criss-crossing effect of the bodice is lovely, though the print did look murky when the lighting wasn’t right for it.

Carey Mulligan

Mulligan made a statement through her adorable shoes, her hemline ideally cut for showing them off. Love those shoes. Love ‘em. I have a feeling she bought the shoes first, and then picked a gown that would go with them. But the dress is nice, too, with just enough sparkle to keep it from being drab. Her dangly chandelier earrings complete what’s the best overall ensemble of the night.

Kathryn Bigelow

Bigelow’s simple but chic column dress was flattering and effortless — and suggested her status as a serious director at the same time.

Kristen Stewart

I like this dress against my better judgment. Yes, the Twilight teens have no business being at the Oscars, and, yes, Stewart was so affectless as a presenter she might well have been one of the undead, but her dress still pretty much rocked. The midnight-blue raven’s wing sheen suggested the Goth nature of her movie, while the train draped beautifully.

Honorable Mentions:

Vera Farmiga

This fun, Barbie doll dress doesn’t quite work, but its rich raspberry shade is a treat for the eyes, and I can’t totally dislike any gown that was inspired by nudibranch eggs.

Sandra Bullock

The embroidery on the bodice of Bullock’s gown was exquisite, and I must add that her hair was lovely, but otherwise her outfit is pretty but meh.

Worst Gown of the Night: Zoe Saldana

Saldana’s gown pairs a glitzy disco-era top with a skirt made from Muppet pelts for the most bewildering look of the night. As if to distract you from the weirdness, the skirt was slit up to there in the front, making 13-year-old geek boys wish they’d watched the Oscars and causing everyone else to hide their eyes. Saldana herself looked uncomfortable in the gown, which she kept yanking down to avoid the wrath of the FCC.

Rest of the Worst

Amanda Seyfried and Jennifer Lopez

These ladies opted for gowns apparently made out of bubble wrap. Now, if they really were bubble wrap, that would be cool, in a Duct Tape Prom sort of way, with the added bonus that the actresses could pop their gowns whenever someone’s speech went on a little too long. (“Avatar is one of the most innovative *pop*, the most brilliant *pop*, the most dramatic *pop* . . . okay, I give up, one of the highest-grossing *silence* films ever!”) But instead the dresses are just made from some unflattering bubble wrap-like material. Of the two, Seyfried’s has the nicer lines: it’s the strapless ball gown that was ubiquitous on the red carpet this year, gone DYI. Lopez’s could have used a few more shots from the staple gun. If I had been at the Oscars, I would have been tempted to step on her train, just to see if it would pop or not.

Sarah Jessica Parker

SJP continued the DYI trend with a dress constructed from a satin bedsheet and some tinfoil roses.

Charlize Theron

Charlize made sure all eyes would be on her with a gown that boasted two very strategically placed rosettes. Strangely vulvar-looking rosettes at that. Georgia O’Keeffe should sue for copyright violations.

Miley Cyrus

Cyrus, invited to the Oscars for the third year in a row for some arcane reason I fail to fathom (trying to attract the teenyboppers? Good luck with that), showed up in her granny’s beige girdle, topped with a tutu-like skirt of tulle. The bodice looked so oppressively snug that it gave me sympathy pains.

Barbra Streisand

Remember the frumpy English professor Streisand played in The Mirror Has Two Faces? This looks like something that character would have worn — to class.

Diane Kruger

Kruger’s gown looks ready to melt into a puddle of black-streaked ivory. And, no matter how slim you are, you never want to have ruffles around your midsection.

Fatima the Fortune Teller

Nicole Richie channeled her inner psychic medium in this odd, caftan-like number, paired with dreary makeup and a bun.

The Boo! Hiss! Section

Kate Winslet

Winslet seems to have put even less effort into her Oscar look than she did for her bland Golden Globes selection earlier this year. There was nothing distinctive whatsoever about her silver column dress.

Demi Moore

Meanwhile, Moore wore an inferior knockoff of an iconic Oscar gown: Penelope Cruz’s classic from 2007.

vs.

Roberts ‘01 vs. Jolie ‘04

Both these gowns are lovely, but Jolie’s looks a wee bit boxy compared to Roberts’, and Roberts’ Valentino is just much more distinctive. It’s an easy win for Roberts.

Winner: Roberts

vs.  

Cruz ‘07 vs. Streep ‘09

Cruz’s swanlike gown scores an easy win over Streep’s grey number, which, while alluring and age-appropriate, simply lacks the “wow” factor of Penelope’s ruffles.

Winner: Cruz ‘07

vs.  

Hathaway ‘09 vs. Zeta-Zones ‘03

This matchup’s a lot closer than the previous two, but that oddly placed front slit in Zeta-Jones’s gown is her downfall, allowing Hathaway and her perfect paillettes to sneak through to victory.

Winner: Hathaway

vs.  

Lopez ‘01 vs. Knowles ‘05

This matchup ends in a surprise victory for Knowles, who’s definitely the Cinderella candidate of this division. Lopez’s skirt lacks shape when compared to the dramatic, perfectly cut swoop of Knowles’s black velvet gown. And even the sheer top of Lopez’s gown can’t top the Madame X-like sexiness of the Little Black Dress That Could.

Winner: Lopez

vs.

Berry ‘02 vs. Harden ‘01

Harden’s red number is stunning, but it just can’t hold a candle to Berry’s iconic burgundy gown. Halle coasts to victory.

Winner: Berry ‘02

vs.   

Hayek ‘05 vs. Swank ‘00

The strange placement of the last black band on Hayek’s dress makes her look short — a small flaw in an otherwise smashing gown, but it’s enough to let Swank claim the ‘W’ in the olive swoops and swirls of her ‘00 dress.

Winner: Swank ‘05

vs.

Zellweger ‘03 vs. Winslet ‘02

Winslet easily bests Zellweger: Renee’s cute and sassy yellow frock just doesn’t say ‘Oscar glam’ quite like Kate’s bright red number.

Winner:Winslet ‘02

vs.

Paltrow ‘07 vs. Swank ‘05

Paltrow looks very very couture, but slightly starchy when posed next to Swank, whose cobalt gown reminded audiences that a dress doesn’t need to show a lot of cleavage to be sexy.

Winner: Swank ‘05

vs.

(1) Julia Roberts 2001 vs.  (19) Ryoko Hirosue 2009

It’s an easy win here for Roberts: those classic lines handily beat out Hirosue’s gentle pleats. Hirosue’s dress is pretty, but Roberts’s Valentino blends elegance and casual sportness in a memorable combination. The pinstripes on Roberts’s train cunningly accentuate that “V” neckline, whereas Hirosue’s train is less ethereal than it could be.

(Plus, you know something’s a great dress when lil’ munchkins want to wear it for Halloween . . . five years later. This kid has great fashion sense, plus one awesome mother.)

Winner: Roberts ‘01

vs.

(8) Angelina Jolie 2004 vs. (9) Halle Berry 2003

On closer inspection, both these dresses have their flaws: Berry’s is not fitted well around the bosom (ouch!), and the silhouette of Jolie’s borders on the boxy. The resplendent golden glow of Berry’s gown can’t outdo its busy-ness, leaving the viewer not sure where to look; the height of the translucent skirt (going all the way up to her hip) is distracting when viewed from the right. Jolie ekes out a win.

Winner:Jolie

vs.  

(5) Penelope Cruz 2007 vs. (12) Chloe Sevigny 2000

Over-the-top glam meets understated elegance in a close match. Chloe combines chic with sexy, her full, flouncy skirt and matte black allowing her to get away with a very daring neckline, but ultimately Cruz comes out on top with her memorable pairing of couture and girly frou-frou.

Winner:

vs.  

(4) Meryl Streep 2009 vs. (13) Heather Graham 2000

This one’s an easy victory for La Streep. The beading on Graham’s gown is exquisite, but its low neckline and short train say “night at the club,” not “Oscars.” Streep’s gown, meanwhile, is all elegance, and it displays one of her greatest physical assets: her marmoreal shoulders.

Winner: Streep

vs.  

(6) Anne Hathaway 2009 vs. (11) Kate Hudson 2003

Hudson’s dress is lovely, using delicate embroidery and transparent overlays to great effect, but it doesn’t have quite the same “wow” factor as Hathaway’s. In nearly every picture, Hathaway’s skirt drapes around her legs, forming a perfect silhouette as its half-moon train falls on the red carpet. Its pearly luster gives it a pop that Hudson’s gown lacks.

Winner: Hathaway

vs.  

(3) Catherine Zeta-Jones 2003  vs. (14) Hilary Swank 2001

Swank glows, but her golden gown just can’t compare to the awesomeness of Zeta-Jones’s. Seriously, if all maternity wear looked this good, there’d be a lot more children in this world. Even with the unfortunate slit in the front, Zeta-Jones’s gown reigns supreme, with its barely-there dusting of rhinestones adding glamour and its sparkly straps emphasizing the wearer’s bosom. It’s no small feat to turn a third-trimester belly into a fashion statement, but that’s what this dress does.

Winner: Zeta-Jones

vs.  

(7) Jennifer Lopez 2001 vs. (10) Helen Mirren 2007

Demure takes on daring with this matchup, in which both dresses coincidentally have a two-piece look about them. Though Mirren’s dress shows off her remarkably athletic figure (at 60!), on closer inspection the silver beading on the bodice weighs it down, and the blotches on the skirt look too much like stains. It’s an easy victory for Lopez.

Winner: Lopez

vs.  

(2) Nicole Kidman 2003  vs. (15) Beyonce Knowles 2005

Interesting things happen when you put these dresses side-by-side — like a chanteuse who’s been in one movie beating out an A-lister known for her red-carpet savoir-faire. It’s a shocking win for 15th-seeded Knowles, as the sheer shape of her gown makes Kidman’s dress look busy and cluttered. That daring how-does-it-stay-up? neckline! The sweep of that skirt! This, my friends, is design, whereas Kidman’s dress has too much going on in the name of being “interesting” to work well as a whole.

Winner: Knowles ‘05

vs.  

(1) Halle Berry 2002 vs. (16) Jennifer Garner 2004

Garner’s orange is utterly crushed by Berry’s justly-famous burgundy. Her iridescent skirt, with the odd large ruffle on its train, doesn’t quite match with the soft shirring of the bodice and the slim, leg-hugging lines of the pencil skirt. As fond as I am of the bright shade, I have to admit that this gown’s just not nearly as iconic as Berry’s number.

Winner: Berry

vs.  

(8) Marcia Gay Harden ‘01 vs. (9) Keira Knightley ‘06

This battle of the burgundies is a close one. Harden brings the classic glam, while Knightley opts for couture-inflected pleats and folding. That unfortunate, bladder-shaped fold over Knightley’s bodice is what gives Harden the edge.

Winner: Harden

vs.  

(5) Nicole Kidman ‘07 vs. (12) Salma Hayek ‘05

Hayek is the surprise winner here: Kidman is long, lean, and lovely in her red column, but the too-long streamer in the back and the hint of glittery trim detract from the clean look of her gown. Hayek shines in an unusual shade of midnight blue in a sexy yet distressed gown that accentuates her figure.

Winner: Hayek

vs.  

(4) Hilary Swank ‘00 vs. (13) Katherine Heigl ‘08

This was a close one: both gowns are exquisite. Heigl rocks the bright red like nobody’s business, and the “shoulder loop” adds a touch of piquancy and fun to her dress. But Swank is every inch the princess in her ball gown, which might well have inspired Princess Tiana’s. And the rich olive green shade keeps it from getting too girly.

Winner: Swank

vs.  

(6) Kate Winslet ‘07 vs. (11) Renee Zellweger ‘01

Both these dresses bespeak casual elegance, and their rarely-seen shades of mint and buttercup make them stand out. It’s a close one, but Zellweger wins out for the vibrancy of the yellow and the effortless lines of her vintage gown. That dress looks comfortable as well as chic.

Winner: Zellweger

vs.  

(3) Kate Winslet ‘02 vs. (14) Charlize Theron ‘00

This is how you can tell I’m a (straight) woman: I find Theron’s dress too sexy for the red carpet. I love the design, I love the color, and I like Charlize, but the low cut and flimsy fabric would make me want to cover my children’s eyes, if I had any children. So Winslet breezes past, even though her stunning red gown would have been a match for even a more formidable competitor.

Winner: Winslet

vs.  

(7) Gwyneth Paltrow ‘07 vs. (10) Reese Witherspoon ‘07

This is perhaps the most interesting matchup, as both dresses are so unique. Much as I love the muted fabric and multicolored layers of Witherspoon’s skirt, I’m going to have to give the win to Paltrow. The silhouette of her gown is classic Oscar dress, but the rest of the design takes a 180 from tradition with some fabulous pleating work. Paltrow looks like a deconstructed sunburst, in the best possible way.

Winner: Paltrow

vs.  

(2) Hilary Swank ‘05 vs. (15) Laura Linney ‘01

Two simple gowns with exciting twists go head-to-head here.  While the lines of Linney’s red Valentino approach perfection, Swank’s gown is the more unforgettable. It’s full of little eye-catching details, like the unexpected asymmetry of the back and the crisscrossing bands across the waist. Who would have thought a high-necked, long-sleeved gown could bring so much drama?

Winner: Swank

To see the updated bracket, click below:

Oscarology Sweet Sixteen

Color Division Rankings

1. Halle Berry, 2002

Elie Saab

Best Actress Winner, Monster’s Ball

This dress presents a quadruple threat: it was a) worn by Halle  Berry b) for her emotional Best Actress win c) on the historic night when two black actors first won Best Actor and Best Actress in the same year, and d) it’s absolutely gorgeous. Not to mention unique. Its strategically-placed embroidery, sheathlike silhouette showcasing Berry’s perfect figure, and lush train of burgundy silk make this the gown to beat in this division.

2. Hilary Swank, 2005

Guy LaRoche

Best Actress Winner, Million Dollar Baby

Swank gets huge points for originality with this midnight-blue gown that made her back the focal point. The front is clingy as a catsuit, sparing this long-sleeved number from getting too nunlike, while plenty of artful draping add interests. And when Swank turned around — wham! — the audience got an eyeful of rarely-bared yet still alluring skin.

3. Kate Winslet, 2002

Ben Lisi

Nominated for Best Actress for Iris

Here Winslet puts a flowery spin on the one-shoulder trend, choosing a fairylike spray of flowers in lieu of a strap. This simple and winsome touch makes her run-of-the-mill (if lovely) red gown a contender. Whether those flowers can take the gown past some of the more unique and memorable creations on this list, though, remains to be seen.

5. Hilary Swank, 2000

Randolph Duke

Winner, Best Actress for Boys Don’t Cry

After seeing Swank play a girl credibly passing as a boy in Boys Don’t Cry, it was almost a shock to see her looking so fresh and feminine at the ‘00 Oscars. Swank has the air of a countess in this full-skirted, lavish, silken number. The olive color was an unusual and striking choice that, I think, made the dress work: Imagine it in a pale neutral instead. Pretty, yes; memorable, no.

6. Kate Winslet 2007

Valentino

Nominated, Best Actress for Little Children

Winslet is every inch the goddess in this mint-colored Valentino, which merges Old Hollywood glam with the “toga” trend current in ‘07. It flatters her statuesque figure, and the single shoulder strap calls attention to her face and sleek updo. The streamer in back adds an elegant touch. And, as with Swank’s ‘00 dress, color makes the gown: what would have been blah in white shimmers in green.

7. Gwyneth Paltrow, 2007

Zac Posen

Presenter

Paltrow rocked the geometry in ‘07: This dress is all about the intersection of pleats, triangles, and crisscrossing lines. She looks modern, chic, and confident, like someone who’s finally found her own style. The muted orange flatters her pale skin tone and is much in keeping with her Zen-by-way-of-Whole Foods persona.

8. Marcia Gay Harden, 2001

Randolph Duke

Winner, Best Supporting Actress for Pollock

Bombshell is the word that leaps to mind when viewing Harden in this daring red strapless gown. It’s very vintage and very Marilyn. Though the fit perhaps could be better, especially around the hips, Harden still strikes quite a figure in the sleek dress, with a shawl wrapped around her elbows for added elegance.

9. Keira Knightley, 2007

Vera Wang

Nominated, Best Actress for Pride and Prejudice

Here it’s all about the luscious burgundy silk of this gown, yards and yards of it, beautifully flounced and folded and pleated. The design, in fact, may be a little on the weak side, especially that shoulder strap/panel thingy, but it’s still a great look and color for Knightley. Elizabeth Bennet would have approved.

9. Reese Witherspoon, 2007

Nina Ricci

Presenter

Witherspoon loves purple and blue shades, and no wonder: They highlight her fair skin and bring out her blue eyes. This dress, with its layers of subtly-different shades, was one of her best blue-hued choices. Its swirled skirt is both modern and girly, an apt fit for her likeable, girl-next-door persona. The (chiffon?) fabric is also an unusual choice that adds texture and interest to the gown.

11. Renee Zellweger 2001

Lily et Cie

Host, Technical Awards Banquet

This fun, flirty dress in a unusual canary shade helped put Zellweger on the map. It looks comfortable, as if it’s something she just threw on, but in an elegant, relaxed way. The color brings out her hair, and that draping in the front is intriguing: is it a flounce or train? Plus, the little-seen sweetheart neckline adds to the dress’s charm.

12. Salma Hayek, 2005

Prada

Presenter

Hayek shone in this deep blue gown with carefully-placed black accents. The form-fitting dress with its plunging neckline showcased her famous figure, while its black bands and straps added shape and structure.  The sheen of the silk was lovely, especially in the gathered train, though perhaps that train could have been better-placed: It cuts Hayek off at the knees, making her look shorter than she is.

13. Katherine Heigl, 2008

Escada

Presenter

Though I’m not loving the wannabe Marilyn hair and lipstick, otherwise Heigl is a knockout in red Escada. Here’s how to do goddess right: with a couple of modern touches (like that neat circular shoulder) and a lot of classic glam (that sensuously flowing skirt). This is a minimalist dress that relies on cut and color for its impact — no extraneous frills or “interesting” pieces-for-the-sake-of-pieces here — and it works beautifully.

14. Charlize Theron, 2000

Vera Wang

Presenter

Here Theron works a hard-to-pull-off color: terracotta. It’s a great match with her glowing, slightly freckled tan, and her blondish-brown hair color. Totally 30’s, the clinging column ends in a cunning, subtly-scalloped swirl around Theron’s feet. The dress may be a little too clingy for its own good, though, and the silver clips are a mite distracting.

15. Laura Linney, 2001

Valentino

Nominated, Best Actress for The House of Mirth

At first glance only a column, albeit in a stunning shade of red, this dress has several surprises in store: a smart crisscrossed back, and a flowing, ethereal train. Its lines accentuate Linney’s long, lithe figure, while the teensy straps and high neckline show off her shoulders. The red shade itself makes a nice contrast with her fair skin and blonde hair.

16. Jennifer Garner 2004

Valentino

Host, Technical Awards Banquet

Garner is smashing in a little-seen color: orange. While I love the shade and the overskirt, which hints at Renaissance gowns, I’m not crazy about how the draping calls attention to her waist.

I’ve settled on what I considered the top 32 dresses of the decade, and divided them into two divisions based on color: the Neutral Division (buffs, beiges, whites, blacks, grays, matte golds, pale peaches, and the like) and the Color Division (your reds, greens, blues, and basically everything else). Then, I seeded the dresses based on four factors: 1) design of the dress; 2) how well it fits the wearer, in terms of both personality and figure; 3) the fame of the wearer (A-listers get seeded higher); and 4) “historical significance” of the dress (basically, did the wearer win an award in it, and, if so, which one?) After the seeding, however, fame and history won’t count for anything, and I’ll compare the dresses on their own merits (factors 1 and 2).

Here’s how I seed the Neutral Division (click images for larger version):

1. Julia Roberts, 2001

Vintage Valentino

Best Actress, Erin Brockovich

This dress, long a critical favorite, combines classic lines (an almost-strapless look with a long train) with modern details (white piping that unexpectedly forms a V-neckline). It piquantly pairs menswear details like the “pinstripes” of the skirt with beautifully feminine lines. Unique and elegant, this one will be difficult to beat.

2. Nicole Kidman, 2003

Jean-Paul Gaultier

Best Actress, The Hours

Kidman’s win and fame may give this dress some traction it doesn’t deserve: While its interesting lines are refreshing, some critics derided as “lopsided” and said black wasn’t Kidman’s best color. Its draping, however, is beautiful, and the three strands around Kidman’s shoulder make for a unique touch.

3. Katherine Zeta-Jones

Best Supporting Actress, Chicago

Rarely has pregnancy looked this elegant. Being with child definitely agrees with Zeta-Jones, who was radiant that Oscar night even before she won her award. The sumptuous, Renaissance-inflected lines of the bodice would have been memorable even on an actress of less stature, and, in a design coup, the full skirt actually accentuates Baby Zeta-Jones. The slit in the skirt may be the only misstep here: while it probably was added for ease of movement, it does interrupt the flow of the skirt.

4. Meryl Streep, 2009

Alberta Ferretti

Nominated, Doubt

Streep’s marmoreal shoulders are some of her best assets, and she wisely chose a dress that would show them off. Her gown looks back to the Renaissance, with its draped off-the-shoulder neckline, and straight ahead to the deconstructed trends of today with its loose, casual lines. Add a regal updo, and Streep is the picture of an Italian countess.

5. Penelope Cruz, 2007

Versace

Nominated for Best Actress for Volver

Okay, full disclosure: I love this dress beyond all reason. In fact, I probably would have gone ahead and made it Dress of the Decade had I not decided on this ranking system. But, I think, most people would admit, there’s a lot to like here: that fluffy train, the peachy-pink hue which is just perfect on Cruz, and the fact that it’s a mermaid gown that actually works instead of looking Barbie-esque and contrived.

6. Anne Hathaway, 2009

Nominated for Best Actress for Rachel Getting Married

Armani

Though she’s had some missteps in the past (notably that bow-bedecked number she had on in 2007), in ‘09 Hathaway became a contender with this gown. Along the way, she taught us what “pailettes” meant, as her sleek dress was encrusted with them, to dazzling effect. The gown hovers between silver and white, hinting at Deco without slipping over the edge into costumey territory, and its lines make Hathaway look long and elegant.

7. Jennifer Lopez, 2001

Versace

Presenter

J. Lo made a stir in ‘01 with her NSFW gown, and though many decried the dress as another lame attention-getting device, I loved it. The difference between this gown and the infamous green Versace she wore to the Grammys in 2000 is the difference between ‘nude’ and ‘naked’: the first evokes classical art and is about the beauty of the human body; the latter is about titillation. It was nice to see a dress that celebrated the loveliness of the female breast for a change, instead of just inviting viewers to stare at some boobs.

8. Angelina Jolie, 2004

Marc Bouwer

Presenter

Shiny satin can be tough to pull off — it has a tendency to hug curves and add pounds to even the most waiflike of actresses — but Jolie did it beautifully with this 1930s-inspired gown in ‘04. The plunging neckline reveals just enough without being hootchie, while the scarf adds grace and glamour. The pearl-like color also adds to the ‘wow’ factor: it’s not stark white, which might have glared under the lights and matched poorly with Jolie’s skin tone.

9. Halle Berry, 2003

Elie Saab

Presenter

Speaking of sparkle, how about Halle Berry’s glimmering gown in ‘03? Gold is definitely her color, and the single shoulder strap is very alluring. The semi-transparent skirt teases the viewer with a glimpse of leg while it keeps the gown from being too blinged-out.

10. Helen Mirren, 2007

Best Actress, The Queen

The Dame proved that actresses over 50 don’t have to look dowdy with this cute, fresh, just-blinged enough gown. The skirt, daubed with impressionistic gold swatches, even swirled. Also, Mirren shows that dresses with sleeves can wow as well as your garden-variety strapless, halter, and one-shoulder gowns.

11. Kate Hudson, 2003

Versace

Guest; Hosted Technical Awards Banquet

Hudson shimmered in Versace in ‘03. This dress, with its cap sleeves and empire waistline, hinted at the Regency, and its lace overlay was pure elegance. The”champagne” color was lovely as well, as was the lengthy, flowing train.

12. Chloe Sevigny, 2000

Yves Saint-Laurent

Nominated, Best Supporting Actress, Boys Don’t Cry

Sevigny went for simple, classic lines in her Oscar debut. I love the crisp fabric of this dress, which I believe is silk duponi; it folds beautifully. The plunging neckline is daring, but the elegant lines of the dress more than counteract it.

13. Heather Graham, 2000

Gucci

Presenter

Graham shone in this silver gown with its abstract beaded pattern that resembled a blingier version of topographical lines. The beaded straps are a nice touch, too (as, of course, is the 50 carat diamond necklace!). Some critics found the silhouette too “cocktail,” though.

14. Hilary Swank, 2001

Versace

Presenter

Swank brought the va-va-voom to the ‘01 Oscars with this form-fitting golden gown. Just check out the pleats of that skirt! The train is the ideal length and it falls beautifully: Swank looks downright mermaidic. The fabric clings to her figure like a second skin, but she’s got the body to make it work. Some might call the color a smidge on the bland side, but I think it’s got sufficient sparkle.

15. Beyonce Knowles, 2005

Versace

Performed nominees for Best Song

Beyonce never looked more elegant than she did in this black velvet number in ‘05. The gown shows off the material to its best advantage: it’s so matte it almost appears a silhouette at first glance, revealing a beautiful cut, but then you notice the subtle hints of sheen, nipping in at Beyonce’s waist and creating lines that emphasize the length of her legs.

16. Ryoko Hirosue, 2009

Valentino

Starred in Best Foreign Picture winner Departures

This dress, though not worn by a major American star, is one of my longshot picks. Its pleats are suggestive of the ‘goddess’ trend of 2007-8, but not in a togalike or costumey way. It’s just simple, subdued glamor, letting rich fabric and graceful pleating speak for themselves.

In a way, I have to admire these women. There’s something cool about an actress who, when planning her outfit to wear to the Oscars, thinks, “Should I do a little black dress? A slinky slipdress? Nah, let’s go for a dirndl!”  They may have failed mightily, but at least they failed memorably. And so here are 10 of the most memorable gowns of the ’00’s:

Top Ten Worst-Dressed

10. Angelina Jolie, 2000

On the heels of Jolie’s coruscating performance in Girl, Interrupted, everyone wanted her to wear something edgy and dramatic — not look like an extra from Twilight. Objectively, this dress isn’t too bad — it’s the “too cool for school” attitude Jolie was pulling that makes this look so irritating. She was like that Goth kid back in high school who rolled her eyes when the principal handed out Honor Roll certificates, even though you knew she was secretly glad to get one.

9. Tilda Swinton, 2008

Swinton prefers understated, haute couture-inflected looks, and has established this so firmly as her personal style that it’d be downright weird to see her in, say, a slinky red slipdress. Still, there’s good couture and bad couture, and this shapeless bag of a dress definitely falls in the latter category. It reminds me of nothing so much as Armus, the oil slick with a bad attitude from “Skin of Evil,” one of the worst Star Trek episodes of all time.

8. Anne Hathaway, 2007

Rarely has one detail so thoroughly ruined an outfit as in Anne Hathaway’s ‘07 gown. Without the outsized bows, it would have a nice, if somewhat bridal-looking dress, but with them, one wonders what she was thinking. The back bow takes the dress to twee levels, and the front one, which registers as a Rorschach pattern rather than a bow, puts it over the top. Fortunately, Hathaway, like Nicole Kidman and Kate Winslet before her, learned from experience and wore a prettier gown in ‘08 and an absolute show-stopper in ‘09.

7. Heather Mills, 2002

This ensemble looks like something your wacky aunt would wear to casino night on a Carnival cruise.

6. Jessica Biel, 2009

Last year, Jessica Biel forgot about the Oscars until the last minute and just put on the first thing she found when she stepped out of the shower — which, alas, happened to be her towel.

5. Jennifer Connelly, 2002

The hemline of Connelly’s droopy Balenciaga looks like it had a run-in with a wood chipper, and that shade of old-lady beige puts me in mind of pantyhose. Some bling would have perked it up a little, but Connelly inexplicably went for a scarf instead. I wish she’d revisited one of her career’s greatest hits and gone in something like this instead:

4. Cameron Diaz, 2000

One good rule of thumb when choosing gowns: If it makes other women cringe in sympathetic pain or embarrassment at what you’ve done to your bosom, it’s a bad gown. This is a bad gown.

3. Kirsten Dunst, 2007

Dunst, 25 when this picture was taken, appears to have raided her grandmother’s wardrobe to find this mother-of-the-bride-style creation. But even a grandma would probably nix the feathers on the hem and the pseudo-Peter Pan collar.

2. Gwyneth Paltrow, 2002

Even Goth or would-be Goth girls (ahem, Angelina) can’t pull off Goth at the Oscars. Cher can, but she’s Cher. When a very non-Goth, nay, an anti-Goth celeb like Gwyneth Paltrow tries to do so, the results are disastrous. This dress is like the sartorial version of a depressive episode.

(Also: See rule of choosing gowns, above.)

1. Uma Thurman, 2004

I can’t make heads or tails of this outfit. Was Uma’s stylist deliberately trying to sabotage her? That’s the only explanation for why she’s got on a dirndl over a oversized work blouse, trimmed with a blue ribbon. This outfit could have worked if only she had tightened up the figure-erasing looseness of the fabric, lost the slit in the skirt, done something about those awful puffy sleeves, and . . . never mind. There’s no fixing this outfit.

The Runners-Up

These gowns might not be as egregious as the 10 listed above, but they come pretty close.

Miley Cyrus, 2009

Miley might have made the top 10 had she not been underage. Really, was there no one around to tell the poor child that, as cute as looking like a Christmas tree sounds when you’re 16, it’s something you’ll regret three or four years later?

Beyonce Knowles, 2009

This is not the best way to advertise your family’s fashion line. I think I may have found the inspiration for this dress, however:

Anika Noni Rose, 2007

Wearing deep cleavage to the Oscars is fine, and going along with the metallic fabric trend is fine, but combine the two and you risk looking too, uh, ‘working girl.’ That or ‘engineering student who made her own dress out of duct tape.’

So Bad They’re Good

And then there are the dresses so outrageous they deserve a category of their own.

Tyra Banks, 2000

Tyra totally indulged her inner child on this one. I imagine her saying, “I want to look like a princess, dammit!” — and when are you going to get to wear this poofy a dress, except at the Oscars or possibly your wedding? — and picking out something from the Glinda the Good Witch collection.

Faith Hill, 2002

Inspired by Toucan Sam, this would be a nice enough dress, were it not for the fact that it’s four different colors.

Dolly Parton, 2007

The crocheting! The chiffon! The baby pink color! The implants! The tiny bow! This dress is pure Nashville cheese, and Dolly knows it, and she just doesn’t care. She had more fun than anybody else on the red carpet that night.

And, finally (you knew it was coming):

Bjork, 2001

Only someone from a country like Iceland, where they still believe in elves and consider months-old rotten shark a delicacy, would think to wear a giant stuffed swan — complete with white, egg-shaped purse — to the Oscars. Is it witty or just weird? Either way, Bjork singly-handedly punctured the pomposity of the Academy Awards with her take on Tchaikovsky.

In a still from "Babies," a Nigerian mom kisses her absurdly adorable kidlet.

If you’re in your 20s or 30s and haven’t had a child yet, then there’s a new documentary I must warn you about. It’s called simply “Babies: The Documentary,” and it may convince you to run right out and conceive (or adopt).

The film follows four babies from four regions of the world — Nigeria, Tokyo, San Francisco, and Mongolia — through their first year of life. Oh, it ostensibly has deep things to say about socioeconomic conditions and childrearing practices worldwide, but all that is just a convenient cover for what the movie’s really about: giving you a chance to squee over adorable babies for two hours. The National Geographic-style shots of the Himalayas cross-cut with scenes of Tokyo traffic and yuppieish Americans in a Jacuzzi are simply throwaways, impossible to take seriously when juxtaposed with the all-powerful CUTE. There’s a baby playing with a cat, for heaven’s sakes! A baby industriously squishing a potato against a rock! A baby inadvertently sharing its bath water with a thirsty sheep!

What with the international kidlets and all, this documentary can turn you into Angelina Jolie. In fact, I’m half convinced my parents and in-laws made it as part of an insidious plot to get themselves a grandkid.

Why Hollywood felt the Chipmunks needed a Poochie-fication is beyond me, but alas, the film made enough money to garner a sequel — or “squeakquel,” groan — this time, tarnishing my beloved Chipettes. I wanted to be a Chipette when I was around seven or so, but I doubt the new incarnations will be nearly as, uh, inspirational.

Armed with this depressing news, I started Googling upcoming movies, and, sure enough, there are plenty of 80’s ripoffs among them, most every bit as devoid of creativity as you’d think. With that in mind, I came up with the following quiz: See if you can guess which of the following Gen-X-bait movies are actual films in production, and which I came up with off the top of my head. Answers after the jump.

1. Smurfs 3-D

The magic of CGI transforms the little blue guys into creepy, unconvincing three-dimension versions of themselves who live deep in the Uncanny Valley. While this G-rated concoction might not answer such pressing questions as “Are the Smurfs really Commies in disguise?” and “Will Vanity finally come out of the closet?,” it is guaranteed to lodge that theme song (“La, la, la la, la la, la, la la, la la . . .”) in your head for days. John Lithgow provides the voice of Gargamel.

2. Marmaduke

The 55-year-old comic strip, which somehow still manages to occupy the comics pages despite the fact that no one ever reads it, comes to the big screen in an ill-conceived mashup of live-action and CGI. Well, in a world where Garfield can gross $199 million and be deemed worthy of a sequel . . .

3. Strawberry Shortcake’s Berry Big Movie

Strawberry Shortcake and friends defend Berry Land from the wicked Sour Grapes (voice of Fran Drescher) and Peculiar Purple Pie Man (Christopher Lloyd). Miley Cyrus voices a singing Strawberry in this colorful foray through the CGI berry patch – dolls, soundtrack, and plush pets soon to be sold near you. Sadly, the coolest Strawberry character, Mexican potter Café Ole, whose doll smelled like mocha (!), does not put in an appearance.

4. ALF

Through the power of CGI, the wisecracking, cat-eating alien returns. This time, the Tanner family must protect him from bumbling FBI agents who want to subject him to an Area 51-style dissection. Under threat from the government, ALF and the Tanners, including young Brian and teenaged Lynn (Hayden Panettiere), hop a spaceship to ALF’s home planet of Melmac, where they have numerous adventures, including Brian’s stint as a squid pitcher in a Bouillabaisseball league.

5. Stretch Armstrong

Starring Jackie Chan as an Asian spy who gains amazing powers of stretchability and goes on to fight evil. If you pop him, will there be corn syrup inside?

6. Goonies 2: Secret of the Silver Skull

Corey Feldman  — how much more 80’s can you get? – returns to the Goon Docks, this time as a workaholic dad whose love for adventure is rekindled when his kids discover a second treasure map. This time, the special effects are less cheesy, but the plot’s much the same, featuring a group of smart-alecky, ethnically diverse kids navigating a series of Indiana Jones-style booby traps.

7. The Tooth Fairy

Wrestling’s The Rock stars as Derek Thompson, a hockey player nicknamed “The Tooth Fairy” for his habit of divesting opponents of their bicuspids. Derek gets his come-uppance, though, when he’s forced to work as a real tooth fairy – complete with tutu, wings, and magic wand. After some initial struggles, Derek comes to grips with the job, and rediscovers his childhood dreams in the process. Also starring Ashley Judd as Derek’s love interest and Julie Andrews as the Head Tooth Fairy.

8. Masters of the Universe

You know you’ve been waiting for this one: He-Man (Gerard Butler) defends Eternia against the evil forces of Skeletor! By the looks of things, though, it’s going to be yet another loud, dumb CGI-laden summer blockbuster in the vein of Transformers. Hardcore fans are already grumbling over changes to the canon, especially the large role played by She-Ra (Malin Ackerman).

9. Ramona and Beezus

Selena Gomez of Disney Channel fame stars as Beezus in this adaptation of the beloved children’s book. Will the film be remotely as charming as the original, or will producers tack on a subplot about Beezus’s crush on a boy and turn Ramona into a wisecracking brat? Find out in March 2010.

10. The A-Team

Because it must be said: I pity the fool who decided to make this movie! Who could possibly ever fill Mr. T’s chains? Certainly not rapper/actor Common, who’s rumored to be playing B. A. Baracus. The rest of the cast looks promising, though, with Liam Neeson as Hannibal and Bradley Cooper as Faceman.