Are you a Trekkie with latinum to burn? If so, you must check out this auction.

On August 12, Propworx will be auctioning off tons of Star Trek memorabilia. Spock’s ears, Worf’s latex forehead piece, phasers, tribbles, models of Quark’s bar . . . The catalog alone will have any self-respecting Trekkie drooling. Never have I so wished I was worth my weight in gold-pressed latinum.

And, once Stargate really took off, Trek actors jumped on the bandwagon, gladdening the hearts of sci-fi geeks everywhere. Even when they weren’t well-suited to their roles, it was still fun to see those familiar faces once again.

Armin Shimerman (Quark)

Shimerman was the first Trek alum to crossover, appearing as a member of a quirky, tree-dwelling alien society known as the Nox. No Ferengi, these cuddly, be-fro’ed pacifists were one of the most appealing alien races to feature on Stargate: They seemed like simple villagers at first glance, only to turn out to be so evolved they no longer needed technology or weaponry to thrive. Shimerman brought charm to his role as Nox dad Anteaus.

Marina Sirtis (Counselor Troi)

I have a hard time differentiating Sirtis from ditzy Troi, so it was pretty amusing to see her featured as a “brilliant Russian scientist.” Her Russian accent was . . . interesting, and at times indistinguishable from her Troi accent. Sirtis wasn’t the only “crossover” here: the plot of “Watergate,” the episode in which she appeared, is a blatant ripoff of “Home Soil” from Season 1 of TNG. I half expected the Enkarans to refer to SG-1 as “ugly bags of mostly water” . . . and then for Sirtis to use her telepathy on them.

Dwight Schultz (Reginald Barclay)

I didn’t even realize Schultz was in this episode at first — it was not until later I discovered that the guy who played Reg appeared in it. It’s not that Schultz looks very different from his TNG days; it’s that Reg’s nervous mannerisms were so much a part of his character that it was hard to recognize him without them. That’s a credit to Schultz’s acting abilities: the character he plays in Stargate, the Gamekeeper, is also a quirky, jittery fellow, but somehow Schultz makes him utterly distinct from Reg.

Rene Auberjonois (Odo)

Auberjonois is excellent as Alar, the leader of a corrupt and genocidal society in “The Other Side.” The crisp diffidence he brings to the character appropriately recalls the Nazis or General Dyer: it’s evil cloaked by bureaucratic pleasantries, undercut by barely detectable anxiety.

John DeLancie (Q)

DeLancie played one of the suits over various sorts who threatened to shut down the Stargate program (not without reason). But the role never seemed to fit him all that well: It forced him to be a boring bureaucrat, with none of the puckish humor Q was known for. Though it was fun to see an ex-Trek star again, his role could have been filled just as well by a lesser-known actor.

Jolene Blalock (T’Pol)

Blalock wasn’t really well-suited for her role as Ishta, leader of a renegade group of female Jaffa: She just doesn’t have the physical prowess and imposing manner the role requires. Her big fight scene with Teal’c, with its numerous distracting cross-cuts and gymnastic gyrations done by a stunt double, was the most ludicrous display of fisticuffs to appear on Stargate. On the bright side, though, it was nice to see Teal’c get a girlfriend, and to finally find out what happened to all the female Jaffa. And Blalock looked amazing. I never realized how unflattering the T’Pol makeup was until I saw her as Ishta. She is stunning (which, doubtless, is why Christopher Judge wrote this episode with her in mind).

John Billingsley (Dr. Phlox)

Billingsley plays Simon Coombs, an SGC scientist and SG-1 fanboy, in “The Other Guys,” one of the most Trek-centric episodes of Stargate. (He’s the one who dropped the line about feeling like a redshirt.) Alongside fellow nerd Fetzer, he goes on an ill-fated mission to “rescue” SG-1, getting to don Jaffa armor and fire a zat along the way. Billingsley hams it up and sometimes overacts, but overall is very funny as the bumbling Coombs.

Ronny Cox (Captain Jellico)

Cox, who appeared in two episodes of TNG (“Chain of Command,” a two-parter) is great as the corrupt Senator Kinsey, one of the SGC’s biggest foes back on Earth. He’s perfectly believable as a politician who talks about God and country with a smug sincerity, then turns his hand to backroom dealings with clandestine organizations once the cameras are off.

Robert Picardo (The EMH)

Another great villainous bureaucrat is Picardo’s Richard Woolsey. Woolsey’s character arc is similar to the EMH’s, actually: He starts out crusty, huffy, and petty, and little by little shows his warmer side, until eventually he’s accepted by the people he once antagonized. Sure enough, Picardo’s now found a regular role for himself as Woolsey on Stargate Atlantis. I haven’t watched Atlantis yet, so I can’t tell you about Connor Trinneer’s performances either, but I look forward to seeing the charmingly uptight Woolsey on it when I do.

Tony Amendola (Chorus #1 on Voyager episode “The Muse”)

And, finally, Amendola doesn’t really count, as he only had a bit part on one forgettable VOY episode, but I had to include him because, well, he plays Master Bra’tac, and Bra’tac rocks.

10. Metafictional Modesty

“A Fistful of Datas,” Season Six

When Crusher asks Picard to appear in the play she’s directing, he replies, with a diffident smile, “I’m not much of an actor.” But the glint in Patrick Stewart’s eyes gives him away — he’s an awesome actor; he knows it; we know it; and he proves it here by uniting his real and fictional personas in a single classic line.

9. I Love You, Lwaxana

“Menage a Troi,” Season Three

Picard’s declaration of “love” for Lwaxana Troi is one of the funniest scenes in all TNG. He starts off awkward and halting, and then warms up to the role, hamming away while the rest of the crew cracks up. Even when the camera’s on Tog and Lwaxana, he’s audible in the background, quoting lines of British poetry. Once again, in a treat for admirers of Stewart’s acting, all three “layers” are detectable here: Steward playing Picard, who’s playing Lwaxana’s love interest.

8. The Universal Language

“Darmok,” Season Five

This episode makes use of a classic — and often hackneyed — sci-fi trope: the character who must communicate with an alien who doesn’t speak his language. Usually, this plot point is terribly annoying to the viewers (which is why most aliens conveniently speak English): we’re force to watch characters grope, gesture, and point to themselves, repeating their names until the alien finally gets them. Then the characters talk in monosyllables until the end of the episode, by which point the alien’s learned an astonishing amount of English, though not enough to make things remotely enjoyable.

But “Darmok” is able to turn this cliché into something special, due in part to Stewart’s acting and in part to the fact that Dathor does have an intelligible language, albeit one that needs a little deciphering, and so he doesn’t just speak nonsense words the writers have concocted for him. By the end of the episode, the characters have genuinely begun to care for one another, making us care for them as well.

7. Live Long And Prosper

“Sarek,” Season Three; “Unification,” Season Five

Picard mind-melds with one of the show’s most memorable guest stars (Mark Lenard, putting in a formidable performance himself), and Stewart delivers a devastating glimpse into the Vulcan’s helplessness and frustration. In the completion of the arc, Picard convinces Spock — Spock!  — to forgive his estranged father. You know you’re good when you’re helping Vulcans with their family problems.

Bonus: “Sarek” is the episode where Crusher slaps Wesley “really hard!” But it wasn’t her fault, as she was being telepathically influenced by Sarek’s anger at the time. Sure she was.

Bonus 2: When K’vada implies that humans aren’t as tough as Klingons, Picard doesn’t let it get to him. “You’ll sleep Klingon style,” K’vada says. “We do not soften our bodies by putting down pads.” And Picard thumps the board that serves for a bunk, exclaiming, just a little too heartily, “Great! That’s the way I like it!”

6. The Bald Badass

“Starship Mine,” Season Six

Picard shows that he’s not just a cerebral captain by single-handedly taking back the Enterprise from a group of mercenaries. He engages in hand-to-hand combat, scours Worf’s quarters for weapons, shoots a crossbow, administers a Vulcan nerve pinch, concocts a homemade flare, and blows up the thieves’ getaway ship, all while his hapless crewmates struggle to escape from two klutsy Arkarian guards.

5. Two Roads Diverged . . .

“Tapestry,” Season Six

So much goodness here: increased insight into the events that formed Picard; a chance for Stewart to riff on his character by playing Picard as an average redshirt; Picard’s interactions with Q: “No, I am not dead. Because I refuse to believe the afterlife is run by you. The universe is not so badly designed!” (This episode always makes me feel bad for the “average” crew members, though; I suspect most of us, in the Trek world, would have been the “boring” junior-grade officers and not the Rikers, Datas, or Picards.)

4. Today Is A Good Day To Kick Butt

“Sins of the Father,” Season Three

Picard shows his deep loyalty to his crew members by traveling to Kronos with Worfto help him defend his family’s honor, and later becoming his cha’Dich. He proves his mettle by cursing in Klingon and even fighting off a Klingon warrior. This is a great episode for Worf as well, who’s forced to make the difficult choice to sacrifice his father’s honor for the good of the Empire.

3. I Am Locutus of Borg

“The Best of Both Worlds,” Seasons Three and Four; “Family,” Season 4

The Locutus arc is classic TNG: Stewart is so affectless in his Borg persona that we wonder, briefly, if anything of Jean-Luc remains behind the machinery. It’s chilling to hear the Borg warnings intoned in that familiar British accent. Picard’s breakdown, complete with real tears, in “Family,” is another great acting moment on Stewart’s part.

2. The Most Precious Time

“The Inner Light,” Season Five

In what many consider the single best episode of TNG, Picard lives an alternate lifetime as a man from the dying planet Retaan. He enjoys everything his position as a Starfleet captain has denied him: a wife, children, grandchildren, life in a settled community, free time for his music. In contrast to “Tapestry,” the life Picard lives in “The Inner Light” sorely tempts him: his buried desires come to the surface in the episode’s last scenes, where he mournfully plays the Ressikan flute, meditating on what might have been.

1. There Are Four Lights!

“Chain of Command,” Season Six

Those four words alone, so powerfully delivered, drive this episode to the top of my Picard list. Patrick Stewart brings the agony of a Lear to the scenes in which Picard is tortured by the Cardassians. His heroism is underscored, not diluted, by his later admission that he was “beginning to see five lights,” but denied his own perceptions out of iron-clad principle.

Honorable Mention

And I Thought The Cardassians Tortured Me!

“Final Mission,” Season Four

Picard survives harsh desert conditions, being injured by a rockslide, and the continual presence of Wesley Crusher. He is forced to watch Wesley be a Super!Kid!Genius!, listen to Wes blather about how he admires him, and thank the brat for saving his life. It’s a mark of Picard’s heroism that he’s able to do all this without killing Wesley — or himself.

Best. Boss. Ever.

“Hide and Q,” Season One

In this early episode, Picard shows his softer side when Tasha, upset by Q’s machinations, begins crying on the Bridge. “Don’t worry, there’s a new ship’s standing order on the Bridge,” he tells her. “When one is in the penalty box, tears are permitted.” Tasha will recall this tenderness in her farewell hologram in “Skin of Evil,” when she reveals that Picard was a father figure to her.

Have A Happy Microsecond!

“Timescape,” Season Six

Picard’s goofy “temporal narcosis” is the best thing about this mediocre episode — who can forget the smiley face he draws in the cloud of steam? It’s funny and touching to see him act so out of character.

Anyway, far better Stewart than other dubious M.B.E.s like Stephen Spielberg, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Billy Graham. Next up: Alan Rickman? Rickman could manage to look snarky even with Excalibur being tapped on his shoulders. Or how about Colin Firth? Pretty please?

By the by, the list of people who declined the knighthood is also pretty illustrious: it contains Thomas Hardy, E.M. Forster, William Butler Yeats, Stephen Hawking, and David Bowie (!) just to name a few.

But platitudes won’t help anyone up the promotion ladder and, as a highly placed officer, I feel it is my duty to let my younger compatriots in on a few of my tactics. Sure, I’m pretty intelligent, not too shabby in a firefight, and I can hold my own on the deck of a Klingon cruiser, but so can most folks who make it to Lieutenant without becoming cannon fodder. No, the real reason I am where I am today is a little something I like to call “positive reinforcement,” or, as it is more unkindly known, brownnosing.

Brownnosing gets a bad reputation, but what is it, really, except reminding your superiors of their talents and accomplishments? And so what if you exaggerate those talents a bit? You’re only inspiring your shipmates to become the best Starfleet officers they can be. As I see it, everyone profits.

Besides, brownnosing can reap you rich rewards: promotions, better quarters, freedom from unpleasant duties like cleaning out the plasma vents. You can also think of it as insurance in case anything goes wrong.  As a Starfleet officer, there will be times you’ll end up in a little scrape by, oh, violating the Prime Directive, or having the ship get stolen while you’re in command, or wrecking a First Contact by sleeping with the leader of an alien planet. Then will be the time to cash in on all those brownie points you’ve been so carefully been building up.

So, you’re probably asking, “How do I go about working positive reinforcement into my routine?” Here’s a few tips, illustrated with examples from my career:

1. Remind your boss of his accomplishments. Don’t let him be modest about them!

Always be aware of your boss’s brightest moments, and keep on the lookout for opportunities to mention them. When Captain Picard started reminiscing about his time on the Stargazer, for example, even though I sensed he was going a little crazy, I took the chance to remind him about the Picard Maneuver. I hinted, “Then, with your shields falling, sir….,” prompting him to take it from there and finish the story. When he insisted that blasting into warp, making the ship appear as though it was in two places at once, was “only what any good helmsman would have done,” I gave him a big smile and said, “But you did it first, sir!” Doubtless, when the Ferengi mind control wore off, he remembered how his Number One had reminded him of his great achievement.

2. Your boss is never wrong. Always have his back.

Picard came under a lot of criticism for his brilliantly unorthodox strategies, mostly at the hands of admirals. I made sure to always back him up, even when I didn’t know what the hell he was doing. When some Ferengis tried to frame him with faked logs that “showed” he attacked a ship flying under a flag of truce, even though I was almost convinced he did give the order to fire, I was sure to say, “Sir, I don’t believe you could have ever said that!” And when Commander Remmick was giving him grief, I stood by him once more, telling him, “Regardless, sir, I should realize that whatever your reasons are, they’re valid. Whether or not I understand them.” In these cases, luckily, my blind loyalty paid off. Your boss may not be as awesome as Picard, but you’d do well to take his side anyway. (Unless he screws up royally, in which case, distance yourself from him as quickly as possible! You see, brownnosing’s not just about flattery. There’s strategy involved.)

3. Imply that your boss is your greatest role model. Do this even when he’s not around – it’ll be sure to get back to him anyway.

Your boss will be even more appreciative of your admiration of him if hears about it second-hand. Once, when young Wesley Crusher was nervous about leading a mining survey team, I gave him some invaluable advice. “In situations like this,” I told him, “you only have to do one thing: Ask yourself, ‘What would Picard do?’.” And when the boy protested that he was no Picard (and who is?), I asked him, “Would anyone argue with the Captain once his decision was made?” I made sure to say this really loudly, in the middle of Ten Forward, so that everyone could hear just how much I looked up to the Captain and bowed to his authority.  I advise you try the same in the break room (or whatever your century’s equivalent of Ten Forward is).

4. Praise everything your boss does to the skies – even if he just got promoted or transferred (you never know – he might hire you in the future!).

Once, some bigwigs wanted to make Captain Picard Commandant of Starfleet Academy. At first, I panicked at the thought of having to serve under another captain who might not be so lenient about my busy social life. But I quickly recovered my composure and remarked, “Congratulations! What a wonderful choice, sir! You’ll be able to shape the minds of the future leaders of Starfleet.”

As it turned out, Picard got to stay aboard the Enterprise, which was lucky for both of us. But, had he gone, I’m sure he would have warmly remembered my parting words – and maybe gotten me a cushy gig teaching something like business or education.

5. Get your boss some action.

The life of a Starfleet captain is a lonely one: regulations prevent you from dating anyone under your command, and you’re usually stuck on board ship during away missions, meaning you rarely get the chance to meet any sexy aliens. But captains are a stoic lot, who don’t want admit they need a break – or some “intimate companionship,” for that matter. It took a lot of hard work and quick thinking for me to get Captain Picard into the arms of a beautiful woman on Risa. I had to conspire with Deanna and Dr. Crusher to get him off the ship in the first place, and then I had to make sure he picked up a horga’hn in case he tried to spend his whole shore leave reading or something like that, but I think it paid off. (Actually, I’m not exactly sure what happened down on Risa, but I know he was a lot a happier once he got back!)

I have to warn you, this is brownnosing of a very advanced caliber, and if you live on one of those repressive, pre-utopian planets that still has things like lawyers and HR departments, you may need to tread very carefully. But pull this off, and you’re all but guaranteed a promotion. Who wouldn’t think kindly of an underling who got him (or her – remind me to tell you about that time I served under Commander Palmer on the Endeavor) a little fling? I know I would.

So, my fine young friends, go forth and butter up those Lieutenants, Commanders, and Captains! (Not literally, of course, unless you’re enacting suggestion #5 and they’re into that kind of thing.) And if anybody mutters that you’re “slimier than an oil slick on Vagra II,” remember my motto: Brownnosing is the deuterium that sets promotions in motion!

But, like all shows, TNG had its share of episodes that were, well, less than stellar. You’ll notice that, on my list, the first, second, and last seasons are well-represented, indicating that, once it escaped the influence of the Original Series, TNG really hit its stride. Most of its early clunkers, in fact, resulted from its trying to bring 60’s values and plotlines to a generation that had moved past them. The pasteboard treatments of “noble” Africans in “Code of Honor” and “folksy” Irish in “Up the Long Ladder,” as well as the uneasy portrayal of a matriarchal society in “Angel One,” smack too heavily of TOS’s own prejudices — acceptable in the 60’s but not twenty years later.

In seasons 3 through 6, TNG got over its growing pains to become a credible series in its own right, instead of a clunky impostor of the original. Season 7 was a bit weaker, succumbing to blandness (“Gambit,” “Homeward”) and weird-for-weird’s sake (“Genesis,” “Phantasms”), but it still contained many great character moments (“Dark Page,” “The Pegasus”).  Nonetheless, it makes its fair share of appearances here, on my personal list of the 10 Worst Episodes of TNG:

10. On Betazed, You Can Be A Little Bit Pregnant: “The Child,” Season 2

Why it’s bad: When a show starts with Troi getting knocked up by Tinkerbell, you know it’s all downhill from there. Plus, she gives birth to one of those plot devices T.V. children who conveniently die at the end of the episode, never to be mentioned again. It’s a cheap attempt to tug at the viewers’ heartstrings which is doomed to fail because: a) we know they’re not keeping the kid on the show, so we’re not going to get too attached to him; and, b) Troi’s ditziness just lends itself too easily to jokes about Betazed birth control and what Riker said when he found out the Goddess of Empathy was having morning sickness.

Bright spots: You can play Spot-The-Trek-Firsts, as there are lots of them: Pulaski, Guinan, Riker’s beard, Ten-Forward, and a sash for Worf that’s not made out of burlap.

Snarkability: About the same as any Troi episode.

9. What Happens On The Original Series . . . : “The Royale,” Season 2

Why it’s bad: It’s just like those “backlot” episodes of the Original Series, in which the crew would visit a planet that resembled the Wild West or a Native American village or 1920’s Chicago, simply because the show had a low budget and those were the sets Paramount already had available. But there’s no excuse for TNG, which presumably had a larger budget, to stoop to this kind of cost-cutting measure. Most of “The Royale” takes place on a boring casino set, complete with one-dimensional characters like a dumb showgirl and a gambler in a ten-gallon hat (creatively named “Tex”). Data also dons a hat and adopts a Texan swagger and generally makes himself as annoying as possible. The episode’s barely space-y and you’ll be barely awake by the time it’s over.

Bright spots: None.

Snarkability: Low, but if you chug whenever someone speaks in a bad Texas accent you’ll be drunk in no time.

8. You Are Hearing Me Puke: “Force of Nature,” Season 7

Why it’s bad: It undercuts a fundamental tenet of the Trek universe — warp capability — to make a lame and obvious point about the environment. In this episode, we’re told that warp fields create damaging “rifts” in space that put entire civilizations at risk. Now, if Starfleet gave up warp power, there wouldn’t even be a Starfleet — but think of all the ecosystems we’d save! Seriously, did Al Gore write this one? The episode ends without a solution to the warp drive problem, but, fortunately for the franchise, the issue is never mentioned again.

Bright spots: Well, Spot! Data and Geordi spend the entire B-plot squabbling over how best to train Spot to behave. Which is great if you like cute kitties, and not so great if you like good writing.

Snarkability: Low, unfortunately.

7. Póg Mo Thóin!: “Up The Long Ladder,” Season 2

Why it’s bad: This episode is basically one long, extended Irish joke. It’s like a “Top O’ The Mornin’” skit that never ends. There’s jigs and whiskey and pipes and brogues and harps and shamrocks — I’m half surprised a space leprechaun never popped out of a Jeffries tube. Plus, the episode does that annoying Original Series thing where the crew is positioned as the Golden Mean, while all other cultures are portrayed as primitive, repressed, or just plain weird.

Bright spots: The Klingon tea ceremony! It’s Pulaski’s finest moment, and it provides further evidence that the Klingons had to be based on Asian culture.

Snarkability: Depends on your tolerance for Irish jokes.

6. Shades of Pompousness: “Shades of Gray,” Season 2

Why it’s bad: It’s a clip show that takes place only one-and-a-half-seasons into a program. Yes, I know there was a writers’ strike on, but surely they could have done better than the tired “character gets amnesia and the other members of the cast have to jog his memory” plot? And why center it on Riker? Why not let us see into Troi’s brain, which I imagine to be a sparkly wonderland filled with chocolate, or, better yet, Worf’s? They could just have Michael Dorn do a voiceover over the clips, telling us what Worf was thinking at the time of each incident. I know I could listen to variations on “PataQ! He was a man without honor,” for a solid hour.

Bright spots: Well, you’ll never be tempted to revisit Season 1 after watching Riker relive it.

Snarkability: More like snoozeability.

5. Let’s Hear It For The Toilet Paper!: “Justice,” Season 1

Why it’s bad: The crew land on a planet inhabited by nubile, randy young men and women wearing only scraps of Charmin, and Wesley has to go and ruin their fun by almost getting executed. Our boy Wes also forfeits his Y chromosome when a lovely lass invites him to go off and “play” with her, and he suggests a wholesome game of baseball instead. But instead of ridding himself of the kid once and for all (“Sorry, Beverly, I can’t violate the Prime Directive for the sake of one nerd”), Picard beams down and makes a sanctimonious speech about how justice shouldn’t depend on rigid laws, which, we are supposed to believe, so impresses the “gods” of the planet that they let everyone off scot free. (Then Wesley comes up with a 342-page plan on how to make the Bridge more efficient, and Picard pushes him out an airlock, announcing, “And justice is served!”. That’s in the deleted scenes.)

Bright spots: Rivan’s greeting of Worf: “And I welcome this huge one!” Snerk.

Snarkability: Extreme. You could riff for hours on the “costumes” alone.

4. The Admirals Are Revolting!: “Conspiracy,” Season 1

Why it’s bad: The Visual Effects department must spent half a season’s budget on this doozy: the episode looks like Trek crossed with Nightmare on Elm Street by way of Wrath of Khan. People barf up larvae, admirals chow down on mealworms, plastic purple scorpions skitter unconvincingly across the floor, and one guy’s head explodes. It’s B-movie bad, and impossible to take seriously — even Patrick Stewart can’t save it.

Bright spots: Great for fans who hate admirals — and that’s pretty much all of us.

Snarkability: Intense. We’re talking MST3K-grade snark here.

3. The Bald Man’s Burden: “Journey’s End,” Season 7

Why it’s bad: Moralizing, pseudo-Native American spiritual mumbo-jumbo, and Wesley validation. What more could you not want from an episode? Pulling a page from the Janeway/Archer playbook, the writers get up on their soapbox with a hamfisted “parallel” to the disenfranchisement of the Native Americans during the settling of the American West. Of course, these Native Americans have only been on their “home” planet for twenty years, and, if they stay, they’ll all get wiped out by the Cardassians, but we’re still expected to think it’s a grave injustice that Starfleet wants to relocate them. (Psst, guys! Seize this chance to resettle on Risa!) And then the Traveler reappears to take Wesley to “other planes of existence,” by which I’m guessing he means one heck of a ganja trip.

Bright spots: No more Wesley! Okay, there are only six more episodes left in the series, but those six episodes are still guaranteed to be Wesley-free!

Snarkability: Moderate. Ganja and Chakotay jokes will abound.

2. A Garbage Bag With  A ‘Tude: “Skin of Evil,” Season 1

Why it’s bad: A major character is killed off in a way befitting a TOS redshirt. Actually, getting killed by a grumpy trash bag is even worse than how most redshirts died: I bet that, in Starfleet Valhalla, the dude who got blown up by the exploding rock on “The Apple” looked down at poor Tasha Yar and went, “Man, now that’s embarrassing.” Rarely has an episode been so completely spoiled by bad special effects: I’m surprised Picard and Riker didn’t just taunt Armus to death. “I am PURE EVIL!” “Pure petroleum?” “No, EEEEEVIL!” “Did you hear something, sir?” “No, but this planet is filthy. Too bad there’s not a HEFTY HEFTY CINCH SAK anywhere around!”

You know, if the writers really wanted something scary and oil-related, they should have gone with this guy.

Bright spots: Tasha’s touching farewell to the crew.

Snarkability: Off the charts.

Drumroll, please . . .

1. We’ll Have What She’s Having!: “Sub Rosa,” Season 7

Why it’s bad: Whoever wrote this one must have been reading a Harlequin romance at the time — an especially corny Harlequin romance, and, alas, a racy one. Never in my life do I again want to witness Beverly Crusher moaning and writhing and licking her lips on screen. Ew, I feel dirty just typing that. Besides the squick factor, “Sub Rosa” is cheesier than the day shift at the Velveeta plant, what with the twee, fog-cloaked Scottish village, the “hunky” laird, the cottage crammed with the entire contents of the fake flower aisle at A. C. Moore, the zombie grandma, and, of course, the booty call candle. Crusher, I don’t care how badly you want to make Jean-Luc jealous, that ghost did your grandma. And she’s none too pleased about it, either:

Bright spots: P/C ’shippers will appreciate Picard’s barely-contained jealousy as he confronts Beverly and Ronin.

Snarkability: High, if you can stop covering your eyes and ears long enough to mock it.

(Dis)Honorable Mention:

“Angel One,” Season 1

Let’s see, a society run by women where all the men sport feathered hair, lamé shirts open to the waist, and skintight leggings. I’m guessing this civilization dies out in, oh, two generations.

“Aquiel,” Season 6

Geordi finds romance — and the audience finds a substitute for Ambien — in this snoozefest.

“The Game,” Season 5

Once again, Riker’s womanizing ways threaten the safety of the Enterprise. And Wesley kisses a girl. You’ll need Purel for your brain after watching this one.

“Hide and Q,” Season 1

When Riker gains Q-like powers, the blind see, the lonely find mates, and Wesley is briefly turned into a gay Nordic skier in a horrible sweater.

“Night Terrors,” Season 4

Go towards the light, Deanna!

They might have been mere cannon fodder on the Enterprise, but, on the Internet, redshirts are getting the acclaim they justly deserve. On YouTube and elsewhere, fans have made them the focus of video montages, like this entertaining mashup by comedy4cast, set, for maximum irony, to the Electric Light Orchestra’s “I’m Alive:”:

“Red Shirt Massacre,” on Stupid Videos.com, has a better soundtrack (Queen’s “Another One Bites The Dust,” natch), but suffers from an annoyingly literal approach (when Freddie Mercury sings, “Through the doorway the bullets rip / To the sound of the beat,” crew members bust down a door, and an excess of non-redshirt-related padding:

The redshirt montage with the best Trekkie pedigree, though, has to be chrisis1033’s “Red Shirt Boogie Blues,” set to the song of the same name by the Enterprise Blues Band. Featuring former cast members Casey Biggs (Damar), Richard Herd (Admiral Paris), Vaughn Armstrong, and  Steve Rankin (both played one-off roles in various series), and visual effects guy Ron B. Moore, the band plays at conventions, charity events, and other Trek-related venues. They’re more than a novelty act, though: “Red Shirt Boogie Blues” is both funny and an infectious, toe-tapping, almost soulful song that even non-Trekkies could get into. In fact, it far outshadows the video’s visuals, so, if you just want to witness a string of comically absurd redshirt demises, stick with one of the other two videos:

Or, if life’s got you down to the point where you start identifying with redshirts, you can always pick up some of their merch:

And, finally, here’s an ubernerdy “tribute” to redshirts that combines Trek fandom with web analytics, math, and graphing. Matt Bailey, we kowtow to you. You truly are the Supreme Lord of Dorkiness.

As if the 1-in-2 chances of a sudden violent death weren’t bad enough, there’s also a very high probability that a redshirt will kick the bucket in a spectacularly embarrassing way. And by ‘spectacularly embarrassing,’ we mean stuff like ‘done in by plants, rocks, or robots that resemble aluminum foil-covered buckets.’ We mean that, when asked about your death, your relatives will mutter something about “killed in the line of duty” and leave it at that. Which is surely what they’ll do for these unfortunates, who bear the dubious honor of succumbing to one of the Most Inglorious Deaths in Starfleet History:

Do Not Incur the Wrath of Vaal

Gamma Trianguli VI: Edenic paradise, ancestral homeworld of the Oompa Loompas – and an absolute deathtrap for redshirts. One such ensign gets struck by lightning. What would be a fairly commonplace death, under normal circumstances, is rendered hilarious by a combination of bad 60’s special effects and the fact that he is the third redshirt to meet his fate within five minutes. They’re dropping faster than Tribbles in a vat of poisoned quadrotriticale!

Danger, Will Robinson!

In “The Changeling,” the episode that set the record for cannon fodder, a clumsy, slow-moving robot that looks like the poor man’s version of the ‘bot from “Lost in Space” deems four redshirts insufficiently logical, and obliterates them in a burst of red light. Get the message, viewers? Computers are evil! Up with humans!

Up With Humans, Part Deux

Computers only seem to exist on the Original Series in order to run amok and reassure the audience that, yes, however “smart” technology gets, humans will still be superior. Because no human would ever take out a hapless redshirt who simply bent over to examine something with a tricorder.  That would be senseless, and inhumane, and indicative of a total lack of emotion and empathy, and . . . pretty freakin’ funny. Up with evil computers!

Agent Orange

Or how about this redshirt, who couldn’t stop a guy wearing sparkly orange plastic armor? Some security detail. Worf would have puked.

Cupping Gone Horribly Wrong

Oh, those wily, wily women. You never know when one’s going to cheat on you, distract you from your duties, abandon Starfleet to get married – or mutate into a salt-sucking she-beast. The latter’s what happened to this poor officer. In a death that was surely in no way representative of the writers’ attitude towards women, a beautiful gal slunk into his arms, then transformed into a hideous monster, who, like some vampire armed with a miniature plunger, extracted the life force from his body, leaving him a pucker-ridden corpse.

Darn Kids These Days!

Of course, even that’s better than getting vaporized by an annoying teenager with the craziest eyes since Gowron:

Sure, the guy was kind of asking for it by taunting Charlie X, but, still, Charlie was a pain. Actually, pretty much anybody under 18 in the Original Series was irritating as all get out. Like these brats:

Nope, no mini-Klingons, lil’ Ktarians, wannabe “reporters,” or dorky “geniuses” in bad sweaters for good ol’ TOS. And, what’s better, the episodes always wound up with the “grups” firmly in control. Now, where did I leave those dentures?

I Didn’t Mean to Call You Bigfoot!

On Taurus II, one hapless flunky gets crucified by a Yeti. Not so bad, you say? At least a Yeti’s a dangerous monster, you say? Well, it’s somewhat less than noble when you actually see the Yeti in question and realize the guy got skewered by a man in a fur coat wielding a Halloween prop:

Let’s just hope the dude’s family never gets to see these pictures.

There’s a Reason They Paint Targets Red

There’s no better proof of the trope that redshirts are expendable than this trigger-happy fellow. Had that Capellan’s aim been off by a little to the right or left, Kirk or McCoy would have been no more. But, no, the guy had to point his phaser at Capella’s answer to William Tell and — thwack!

To make matters worse, he was done in by a guy wearing a wetsuit decked out with fringe rescued from somebody’s grandma’s curtains:

Whatever They Offer You, Don’t Feed the Plants

Back on Gamma Trianguli VI, a redshirt is killed when a plant expels its pollen into his chest. Granted, it’s a killer plant that shoots poison darts, but, still, it’s a plant. Dude was taken down by a pretty purple flower. Was this planet the inspiration for the Super Mario games or something?

I love the way the guy is looking down, too. He’s like, “Aw, man, this was a brand-new uniform!” And then he crumples to the ground. It’s unintentional Star Trek comedy at its best.

Death By Glitter

What’s more girly than being killed by a pretty purple flower? Being done in by a big swirly, sparkly cloud, of course! At least the guy in back got to ham it up a little before he bit the big one. You can tell he’s been observing Shatner.

And, just so you know they’re good and dead, the makeup department brought out the “Corpse Pallor White” powder.

The one closest to the rock looks like my cat when he wants to show me he’s “dying” of hunger. Maybe Bingley’s been watching Shatner, too.

But My Parents Did Name Me ‘Lieutenant’!

You know you’re expendable when your captain doesn’t even know your first name. Poor Lt. D’Amato, buried on an inhospitable planet, with only a cairn of rocks spray-painted ‘Autumn Russet’ to mark his final resting place. Kirk didn’t even bother to edit the guy’s tombstone: that should be an apostrophe, not a single quote!

Of course, Chakotay apparently didn’t have a first (or is it last?) name either:

And I suppose not having a first name is better than being named after beer:

D’Amato’s (D‘Amato’s? – God, I cringe just typing that) manner of death was pretty embarrassing, too: apparently he died of aesthetic horror when confronted with this lady’s makeup:

KA-BOOM!

If you’re a redshirt on Gamma Trianguli VI, the most innocuous things can kill you: plants, soil, water . . . and even rocks. This dude simply stepped on a rock and was blown to bits in an awesomely Lichtensteinian fashion. After the commercial break: an ensign trips over his shoelaces and dies.

Alas, Enterprise, hard as it tried, was always less sexy than it was hilariously gratuitous. This is the program, after all, that brought us the decon chamber and Vulcan neuropressure, perhaps two of the most obvious devices for creating sexual tension ever to hit the small screen. But, in the absence of any chemistry between the cast members, these sequences came off more as outrageously blatant than anything. Which, given the general blandness of Enterprise, meant that they were some of that series’ most fun moments.

So, set your phasers to “ogle” and your brain to “snark” as I bring you the Top Ten Most Gratuitous Moments on Enterprise:

10. Get That Grav Plating Back Online! Stat!

A malfunction with the gravity plating means we get to see way, way too much of Captain Archer in “Unexpected.” In some ways, this scene is pretty cool: On all the later series, the characters take things like transporters and artificial gravity for granted, so it’s fun watching Starfleet grapple with new technology. It makes the Enterprise crew a little more believable – hey, we think, these could be my great- great-grandkids! And the CGI water is nicely rendered. But, still, it’s Archer. Naked. It’s an instance of that phenomenon where a person’s objectively decent-looking, but you find them repugnant solely because of their personality. Naked Archer would probably tell you he doesn’t have any clothes on because he can’t find any that were made with 100% organic cotton using sweatshop-free labor or something like that. Not sexy. Moving on.

9.  Civvies and Skivvies

In “Vanishing Point,” a strange transporter malfunction makes Hoshi invisible to her crewmates, but not to the viewers. And it just so happens that this happens while she’s in the gym, so she spends the entire episode running around in tight-fitting gym clothes that show off her midriff.

Hey, you’re thinking, didn’t that happen to Geordi and Ensign Ro in “The Next Phase”? And wasn’t that episode a lot better? And didn’t Ro stay in full uniform throughout? There, in a nutshell, you have the differences between TNG and Enterprise.

In the interest of equal-opportunity exploitation, though, Enterprise does give the women some eye candy in “Acquisition,” when it’s Trip who has to spend the whole episode in his tighty-blue-ies. Of course, Trip looks exactly like a young Dubya, negating any attractiveness he might have possessed, but at least they tried. It’s more than they’ll do in later seasons.

8. Pon Farr Constitutes a Red Alert

As if two crew-members-in-skivvies episodes weren’t enough, in Season 3 Enterprise decided to have a crew-member-in-skivvies-with-the-pon-farr. It’s a full 45 minutes of T’Pol in teeny gray tank top and shorts, sweating, growling, writhing on the floor, and coming onto every crew member in possession of a Y-chromosome.

I did find it amusing, though, that Vulcan horniness is considered a shipwide emergency, complete with lockdown procedures and EV-suits. But why couldn’t they just send a female crew member to sedate T’Pol? Oh, right, because that wouldn’t be nearly as amusing as having her hit on Reed.

His facial expressions after turning her down almost make it worth it, though. If that doesn’t say “I did the right thing, but, boy, am I gonna hate myself for it,” I don’t know what does:

7. That’s What You Get With a Ship Full of Celibates

In “Rajiin,” Archer rescues a sexy slave woman – named Rajiin, natch – who proceeds to seduce her way through the entire crew, women included. (Knowing Archer, I’m surprised he didn’t try to free all the female slaves and throw in an Up With Humans! lecture about how we abolished slavery years ago.) Okay, she doesn’t sleep with them but just runs her hands all over their bodies to, uh, study their anatomies. So she can report back to the Xindi on the best way to kill them. Of course.

Rajiin is supposedly from a race that has irresistible erotic powers, but I think she was successful mainly because the crew lives like a bunch of monks. Seriously, you can count on one hand the number of times all seven of them get lucky over the course of four years. You could be a Nausicaan and have your way with these tools.

6. Um, I Think I See a Virus on Your Ear

The Enterprise crew may not have much sex, but they get plenty of foreplay, thanks to one of the most gratuitous excuses to get actors stripped down in television history – the decontamination chamber. And not only do they strip down, they rub each other with ‘decon gel.’ The pilot episode featured Trip and T’Pol slathering gel all over one another – even though they supposedly dislike each other, and even in spots they could easily reach on their own, like the tips of T’Pol’s ears. Trip gets his hands inside the waistband of her shorts at one point, a suitable excuse for a nerve pinch if ever I saw one. Meanwhile, the camera pans lovingly over his pecs and her thighs. It would have been hot had it not been so glaringly, hilariously obvious.

5. Ménage à Decon Chamber

And if that wasn’t soft-core enough for you, in Season 2 Archer gets in the decon chamber with T’Pol and Hoshi. And Porthos, which is kind of disturbing. It’s a girl-on-girl-on-jerk-on-dog gelfest! Then Hoshi takes Porthos out, and Archer and T’Pol hook up. Ew! Fortunately, it turns out to be a dream sequence, but still, ew.

4. “She’s Got a Nice Bum.” We Know!

When Trip and T’Pol finally do the deed after countless “neuropressure” sessions, she drops her robe to reveal all of her back . . . and more than a little of her derriere. Afterwards, she tries to pass it off as an “experiment in human sexuality,” but we know she was just embarrassed at having slept with someone who doesn’t know what “incorrigible” means.

3. Orion Girls are Easy

In “Bound,” one of Enterprise’s worst groaners, Archer is made a present of three strippers painted green Orion slave girls, who proceed to charm all the men with their feminine wiles so that they can steal the ship. The women, conveniently, are stricken with “headaches” which render them powerless, leaving Trip, who’s immune to the green gals because he’s in lurve with T’Pol (I kid you not) to save the day. In the meantime, we viewers are “treated” to the spectacle of the guys on the crew following the Soylent Green Trio around all dopey-eyed and drooling, while the women act whiny and catty. Are there any redeeming qualities to this piece of targ droppings? Well, Archer does get shot . . .

2. I Knew I Should Have Worn My Sports Bra Today

In Season 2’s “Shockwave,” when the Enterprise is taken over by hostile aliens, Hoshi crawls through the air ducts to free her shipmates, when, suddenly, she falls through a loose panel. In defiance of the laws of physics – and good taste – her shirt gets caught on the panel and is ripped right off her, forcing her to roam the corridors topless. There is no point whatsoever to this scene except to get poor Linda Park half-naked. I hope she had a long, long talk with her agent afterward.

1. I Did It All for the Neuropressure

Oh, man. Just when we thought it couldn’t get more gratuitous than the decon chamber, Enterprise comes up with extended foreplay sessions Vulcan neuropressure. Basically, T’Pol has to give Trip some neural node nudging to help him, uh, sleep. Which she does. In her teeny silk pajamas. With candles burning. And Trip has to “disrobe,” too. Methinks someone just wanted her some Southern boy. I can’t blame her for that – we grow ‘em cute down here – but, as with most things Trip and T’Pol, these scenes would be much hotter if the actors involved had any chemistry. As it is, Trip might as well be massaging an Antedean.

And, Enterprise being Enterprise, there’s no way we could let the season go by without some girl-on-girl neuropressure. In “Harbinger,” T’Pol has to massage her rival for Trip’s affections, FACO MACO Corporal Cole (whom we never see after that episode). Alas, T’Pol doesn’t nerve pinch her by accident, though she sure looks like she wants to.

Honorable Mention: Standard-Issue Vulcan Undies

Somehow I always thought of the Vulcans as a stoic, no-nonsense race: Practically every time you see them out of uniform they’re wearing these stifling, priestly robes. But apparently, under those robes, they all have on skimpy, tight gray underwear that shows off all their curves. And they like to sleep in adorable little shorty pajamas with the tops left half unbuttoned. And wear tight catsuits, even when they go on away missions to planets where they need to be comfortable and move quickly. None of this strikes me as very logical, but what do I know? I’m only a human.

Either that, or the producers wanted to spice the show up with a little 60’s matinee-idol shirtlessness. Take your pick.

Whichever’s the case, the Original Series vies with Enterprise in its glaringly obvious attempts to get its actor(s) in a state of dishabille. And so, I bring you the ten most gratuitous instances of Kirk nudity in Star Trek history:

10. “The Turnabout Intruder”

Who exercises with their legs up in the air? Why, Kirk, of course! It’s the Quad-Pounder, endorsed by 4 out of 5 Starfleet medical officers with blood alcohol levels of .45!

9. “Plato’s Children”

See, it’s not just the space bunnies who get the skimpy skirts in TOS! You can bet Uhura and Chapel were thinking, “Now they know how we feel.” Spock and Kirk never looked so self-conscious – Nimoy’s face says, “I’m wearing a skirt, I’ve got plastic leaves on my head, and I’m freezing my butt off.”

8. “Amok Time”

Even a pon farr-crazed Vulcan can’t bear to do more than scratch the surface of the Greatest Torso in Space. Somehow, armed with a giant lirpa, he manages to artfully slice Kirk’s shirt open, leaving a delicate line of blood that only serves to emphasize the Pecs. Well, we knew there was a reason T’Pring wanted to see Kirk fight . . .

7. “The Empath”

Someone’s been a very bad boy: The aliens of “The Empath” hang a shirtless Kirk from chains in what looks like a scene out of “Vulcan Love Slave II.”

6. “The Enemy Within” (see also “Journey to Babel”)

In which we learn that Kirk just likes wandering around his quarters in the buff, presumably admiring his pecs in the mirror. “Journey to Babel” contains an extra shirtless scene – Kirk with a sparkly bandage wrapped ‘round The Chest in Sick Bay – but “Enemy” edges it out due to that oh-so-debonair towel.

5. “The Naked Now”

It’s sword-slinging Sulu who gets to show off the chest in this one, but Kirk’s delts do see the light of day when McCoy rips Kirk’s sleeve off to administer an injection. Completely gratuitous – and inexplicable. Why wouldn’t he just roll his sleeve up? Or was McCoy too drunk to think of that?

4. “The Gamesters of Triskelion”

Kirk’s alien captors decide he needs to fight wearing only a weird suspender thing over The Chest. And a collar. What is it with these kinky aliens?! Fortunately, they let Chekov keep his shirt on.

3. “Shore Leave” (see also “Court Martial”)

While fighting Finnegan, Kirk just happens to have half his shirt torn off – and it stays that way for the bulk of the episode. They must make those gold shirts out of some pretty flimsy material, as this never happens to any of the guys in red or blue.

2. “What Are Little Girls Made Of?”

What’s better (or worse, depending on your perspective) than Kirk au naturel? How about two naked Kirks, made safe for prime time only by strategically placed bands of metal! So went the thinking behind this odd device, which we’re supposed to believe will make a duplicate android of Kirk by whirling him around at insane speeds. Sure, right.

Just in case you’re curious about what’s under the metal, the episode later provides a Freudian analogue (or is a stalactite just a stalactite?):

1. “Charlie X”

Standard issue Starfleet exercise gear leaves very little to the imagination. Those tight pants make the stalactite look downright subtle.