That said, there were some notable contenders:

Gown of the Night: Anna Kendrick

Kendrick’s neo-Victorian number is loveliness itself. The off-the-shoulder neckline combined with delicate draping suggests a disheveled nymph, while the lace-trimmed slit adds a hint of flirtation, saving the gown from being too pretty-princess. It’s not often you see such an overtly feminine dress on the red carpet. I find it strangely refreshing in this era of deconstruction and bold statements. And I don’t even like pink.

A Close Runner-Up: Penelope Cruz

Count on Penelope to bring the glam! Her claret-colored gown brought a welcome shot of color to a drab Oscars. It relied on draping alone, without any extraneous detail for its impact, and yet appeared big and bold on that stage.

The Other Best-Dressed Women:

Cameron Diaz

Dia’s gown was the night’s best take on the Cinderella trend. Check out the cut of that skirt! You know she had fun twirling around in it. The encrusting of bling also helps lift the dress out of Neutral Blandsville, and her hair is gorgeous, too. Well played, Miss Diaz.

Rachel McAdams

McAdams’s swoop of a dress was very Monet-garden-party. The little criss-crossing effect of the bodice is lovely, though the print did look murky when the lighting wasn’t right for it.

Carey Mulligan

Mulligan made a statement through her adorable shoes, her hemline ideally cut for showing them off. Love those shoes. Love ‘em. I have a feeling she bought the shoes first, and then picked a gown that would go with them. But the dress is nice, too, with just enough sparkle to keep it from being drab. Her dangly chandelier earrings complete what’s the best overall ensemble of the night.

Kathryn Bigelow

Bigelow’s simple but chic column dress was flattering and effortless — and suggested her status as a serious director at the same time.

Kristen Stewart

I like this dress against my better judgment. Yes, the Twilight teens have no business being at the Oscars, and, yes, Stewart was so affectless as a presenter she might well have been one of the undead, but her dress still pretty much rocked. The midnight-blue raven’s wing sheen suggested the Goth nature of her movie, while the train draped beautifully.

Honorable Mentions:

Vera Farmiga

This fun, Barbie doll dress doesn’t quite work, but its rich raspberry shade is a treat for the eyes, and I can’t totally dislike any gown that was inspired by nudibranch eggs.

Sandra Bullock

The embroidery on the bodice of Bullock’s gown was exquisite, and I must add that her hair was lovely, but otherwise her outfit is pretty but meh.

Worst Gown of the Night: Zoe Saldana

Saldana’s gown pairs a glitzy disco-era top with a skirt made from Muppet pelts for the most bewildering look of the night. As if to distract you from the weirdness, the skirt was slit up to there in the front, making 13-year-old geek boys wish they’d watched the Oscars and causing everyone else to hide their eyes. Saldana herself looked uncomfortable in the gown, which she kept yanking down to avoid the wrath of the FCC.

Rest of the Worst

Amanda Seyfried and Jennifer Lopez

These ladies opted for gowns apparently made out of bubble wrap. Now, if they really were bubble wrap, that would be cool, in a Duct Tape Prom sort of way, with the added bonus that the actresses could pop their gowns whenever someone’s speech went on a little too long. (“Avatar is one of the most innovative *pop*, the most brilliant *pop*, the most dramatic *pop* . . . okay, I give up, one of the highest-grossing *silence* films ever!”) But instead the dresses are just made from some unflattering bubble wrap-like material. Of the two, Seyfried’s has the nicer lines: it’s the strapless ball gown that was ubiquitous on the red carpet this year, gone DYI. Lopez’s could have used a few more shots from the staple gun. If I had been at the Oscars, I would have been tempted to step on her train, just to see if it would pop or not.

Sarah Jessica Parker

SJP continued the DYI trend with a dress constructed from a satin bedsheet and some tinfoil roses.

Charlize Theron

Charlize made sure all eyes would be on her with a gown that boasted two very strategically placed rosettes. Strangely vulvar-looking rosettes at that. Georgia O’Keeffe should sue for copyright violations.

Miley Cyrus

Cyrus, invited to the Oscars for the third year in a row for some arcane reason I fail to fathom (trying to attract the teenyboppers? Good luck with that), showed up in her granny’s beige girdle, topped with a tutu-like skirt of tulle. The bodice looked so oppressively snug that it gave me sympathy pains.

Barbra Streisand

Remember the frumpy English professor Streisand played in The Mirror Has Two Faces? This looks like something that character would have worn — to class.

Diane Kruger

Kruger’s gown looks ready to melt into a puddle of black-streaked ivory. And, no matter how slim you are, you never want to have ruffles around your midsection.

Fatima the Fortune Teller

Nicole Richie channeled her inner psychic medium in this odd, caftan-like number, paired with dreary makeup and a bun.

The Boo! Hiss! Section

Kate Winslet

Winslet seems to have put even less effort into her Oscar look than she did for her bland Golden Globes selection earlier this year. There was nothing distinctive whatsoever about her silver column dress.

Demi Moore

Meanwhile, Moore wore an inferior knockoff of an iconic Oscar gown: Penelope Cruz’s classic from 2007.

vs.

Roberts ‘01 vs. Jolie ‘04

Both these gowns are lovely, but Jolie’s looks a wee bit boxy compared to Roberts’, and Roberts’ Valentino is just much more distinctive. It’s an easy win for Roberts.

Winner: Roberts

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Cruz ‘07 vs. Streep ‘09

Cruz’s swanlike gown scores an easy win over Streep’s grey number, which, while alluring and age-appropriate, simply lacks the “wow” factor of Penelope’s ruffles.

Winner: Cruz ‘07

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Hathaway ‘09 vs. Zeta-Zones ‘03

This matchup’s a lot closer than the previous two, but that oddly placed front slit in Zeta-Jones’s gown is her downfall, allowing Hathaway and her perfect paillettes to sneak through to victory.

Winner: Hathaway

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Lopez ‘01 vs. Knowles ‘05

This matchup ends in a surprise victory for Knowles, who’s definitely the Cinderella candidate of this division. Lopez’s skirt lacks shape when compared to the dramatic, perfectly cut swoop of Knowles’s black velvet gown. And even the sheer top of Lopez’s gown can’t top the Madame X-like sexiness of the Little Black Dress That Could.

Winner: Lopez

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Berry ‘02 vs. Harden ‘01

Harden’s red number is stunning, but it just can’t hold a candle to Berry’s iconic burgundy gown. Halle coasts to victory.

Winner: Berry ‘02

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Hayek ‘05 vs. Swank ‘00

The strange placement of the last black band on Hayek’s dress makes her look short — a small flaw in an otherwise smashing gown, but it’s enough to let Swank claim the ‘W’ in the olive swoops and swirls of her ‘00 dress.

Winner: Swank ‘05

vs.

Zellweger ‘03 vs. Winslet ‘02

Winslet easily bests Zellweger: Renee’s cute and sassy yellow frock just doesn’t say ‘Oscar glam’ quite like Kate’s bright red number.

Winner:Winslet ‘02

vs.

Paltrow ‘07 vs. Swank ‘05

Paltrow looks very very couture, but slightly starchy when posed next to Swank, whose cobalt gown reminded audiences that a dress doesn’t need to show a lot of cleavage to be sexy.

Winner: Swank ‘05

He throws himself into his dancing with great enthusiasm and no trace of irony whatsoever. It’s pretty awesome. The good stuff starts around 5:20:

So the questionable fashions and “funky” dancing of the 80’s weren’t just limited to the U.S. and Europe — not by a long shot. No, the 80’s left their pastel-and-punk mark even on Red China.

This performance, my husband tells me, launched Fei Xiang’s career, as pop stars were something of a rarity in China back in the 80’s, especially those who danced. Fei Xiang was quite the heartthrob back in the day, and is still active in the music industry. His Wikipedia page, obviously written by a fan, contains such adorable details as his reunion with his grandmother (“When she met her grandson the first time, she was surely surprised by his looks and his height, however there was instant love between them and they accepted everything of each other.”), the change in his appearance over time (“Fei Xiang has greyish blue eyes which won thousands of his fans’ hearts. Although he was pretty fat as a young boy, he is well-built and muscly now as an adult.”), and his return performance in 1997 (“[W]hen Hong Kong came back and was classified as a part of China again, at the congratulations concert he returned to sing in China in public for the first time since he left and entered Broadway. This caused many mature women to remember their youths and their frantic love for him.”). Though the page doesn’t exactly meet Wikipedia’s standards for objectivity, it’s so cute that I kind of hope they leave it up.

In the 90’s, Fei Xiang hit Broadway, appearing in Miss Saigon and (erp!) The Songs of Andrew Lloyd Webber. There are plenty of clips of his performances up on YouTube, including many in English, and I have to say he’s quite the charismatic performer. I especially like his rendition of “Unexpected Song,” which shines despite the poor sound quality of the video:

But while this year had its share of cheesecake, in the form of Megan Fox and the blouse-doffing women of GoDaddy.com, men were the ones who got caricatured into inanity. Advertisers, who for the past few years have been encouraging men to embrace their inner bro, are now telling them to throw in the towel. The fight’s over, guys, they’re saying. The women have won, and all you can do about it is buy yourself a bunch of cool gadgets.

First there was Chrysler’s “Dodge Charger” ad, which features men staring glassy-eyed into the camera as the narrator intones all the things their wives and bosses makes them do. And, in most cases, this ad would have us believe, “wives” and “bosses” are pretty much interchangeable. “I will eat fruit with my breakfast,” the narrator says. “I will sit through two-hour meetings. I will say yes when you want me to say yes. I will carry your lip balm. I will watch your vampire TV shows. I will keep the seat down.” The sole way these pathetic schlubs can retain their masculinity, the ad states, is to buy the car they want to buy, in this case a Dodge Charger.

Then there’s FloTV’s eyeroller, “Injury Report,” in which a guy is mocked for clothes shopping with his girlfriend instead of watching the game. “Change out of that skirt, Jason,” the announcer scolds. How’s Jason to do so? By making a compromise with his girlfriend? By telling her he just plain hates shopping with her, but that there are other things they can do together? No, Jason is advised to take the passive-aggressive way out by buying a miniature TV so he can watch the game wherever he goes! A word to Jason’s girlfriend: Dump him now, or he’ll be watching FloTV at your wedding.

Are men really feeling this emasculated? If so, I don’t think American cars, more TV, and sport-scented body wash are going to help. But most of the guys I know aren’t that defeated. Heck, some of them even enjoy spending time with their wives and girlfriends, and see their jobs and household tasks as responsibilities to live up to, not drains on their vital masculine energy. Back in the day, masculinity used to be defined by responsibility, not buying yourself toys. For a lot of men, it still is, something advertisers need to wake up and realize.

But don’t worry, guys, Dove knows that you still feel “comfortable with your skin” and that you need to celebrate that fact with regular old Dove body wash in a gunmetal gray package Dove for Men! I snark, but the Dove ad actually subtly makes fun of all the “you’re not a REAL MAN unless you do/buy X” commercials out there: It follows a guy from conception to fatherhood through a number of split-second vignettes (climbing the rope in gym class, getting married, mowing the lawn, etc.), while the announcer sings about all the things you’re supposed to accomplish to be a man. “Be tough, be strong, be good at sports,” he says, to the tune of the William Tell Overture. “Don’t show your sensitive side. Go out and have fun with your friends but be a gentleman, too. Check out that noise at night and never be afraid.” The humorous visuals — a nervous husband, armed with a pot, checking out that ‘noise at night,’ a guy getting slapped for ‘not showing his sensitive side’ — subtly poke fun at the list of requirements the narrator sings, and make the point that we’ve seen most of these cliche requirements before, in other ads aimed at men. It’s a fun, self-aware look at how advertisers portray manhood, and it slyly points up the fact that society asks a lot of contradictory things of men. And the relaxed, feel-good tone is much more appealing than that of the insulting Chrysler and FloTV ads.

An Armchair Sociologist’s Field Day

Hulu.com has added a fun feature to its Super Bowl ad videos: you can vote on whether you like each or not, and you can see what other Hulu viewers thought of the ads, too. Hulu also allows you to track the voting on each ad by gender, age group, and location, providing lots of room for speculation. A few observations:

• We’re a nation of saps. The top five ads (at least on 9 PM EST on Monday night) featured a cute kid defending his mother, an international love story (with marriage and baby), more babies, and a dog. Oh, and Betty White getting tackled.
• Men and women chose the same favorite ads, with one glaring exception: Motorola’s Megan Fox-in-a-bathtub ad. Interestingly, a substantial proportion of men disliked this ad, and very few liked the GoDaddy ads at all. Give us more credit! guys seem to be saying.
• And men and women largely disliked the same ads, with the controversial Tim Tebow ad and the annoying Taco Bell and Boost Mobile Shuffle ads coming in among the most hated. The Megan Fox ad was also one of the women’s top 5 disliked. And, giving me hope for the future of this country, one ad everybody detested was the trailer for  that wretched-looking romcom The Backup Plan.

Also Worth Mentioning

• Most memorable ads: Audi, “Green Car.” If Al Gore had been Big Brother, 1984 might have read a lot like Audi’s “Green Car” ad, in which nerdy “Green Police” arrest people for such infractions as failing to compost their fruit peels and requesting plastic bags instead of paper. When the Green Police set up a roadblock, the guy in the “clean diesel”-powered Audi gets to zip right by. At first, this ad seemed counterintuitive: If you drive a hybrid or other green car, you probably worry that other people see you as an eco-Nazi, not that the Green Police are going to bust down your door. The more I thought about it, though, the more sense this ad made. It sends the message that if you buy an Audi, you can absolve yourself of environmental guilt, and safely ignore the Green Police in your life (presumably, your Bobo neighbors or fellow Whole Foods shoppers). The ad’s parody of COPS is pretty funny, too.
• Most memorable ads: In Bridgestone’s “Whale of a Tale,” three guys speed a killer whale to safety, “Free Willy”-style . . . in a station wagon. Two guys pour bottled water over its head to keep it cool, while the driver skids to a stop on a pier, crushing the railings and ejecting the whale into the water. It’s quirky, charming, and it makes the point that Bridgestone tires (supposedly) let you stop on a dime.
• Most memorable ads: Cars.com, “Timothy Richman.” The hero of this ad is a genius who delivers Bengal tiger babies, speaks perfect Italian in junior high, and uses his knowledge of meteorology to rescue a bus full of cheerleaders from a tornado. But, the ad tells us, he’s still nervous about buying a car, so he goes to Cars.com. This ad reassures people that there’s no shame in not knowing much about the car buying process, and does so in a gentle, tongue-in-cheek manner with the spirit of an indie film.
• Worst ads (beside the masculine anxiety ones mentioned above): In “Driven Crazy,” FloTV once again suggests a miniature TV set can solve all your problems. Here a mom ineffectually warns, “Who wants a time out?” as her three kids brat it up in the backseat. One even hits her in the head with a stuffed animal. (Forget time outs; if I had done that to my mom I would have been cleaning for a week!) But does she give them something to read? Shoot them The Look Of Certain Grounding, Or Possibly Death? Actually follow through on her idle threat of a time out? Nah, it’s easier just to shut ‘em up with Spongebob!
• Worst ads: Emerald Nuts and Pop Secret’s spot went for weird for weird’s sake, featuring humans doing dolphin-like tricks for the nuts and popcorn their “trainer” threw. All I could think was, “Wet, chlorine-soaked popcorn. Ew.”
• Worst ads: Vizio, “Forge.” Giant cranes pluck people and objects out of their homes in an ad that evokes an apocalypse in which humanity is enslaved by robots. Even Beyonce looks robotic. Surrender to the machines!
• And, finally, monkeys!

And, once Stargate really took off, Trek actors jumped on the bandwagon, gladdening the hearts of sci-fi geeks everywhere. Even when they weren’t well-suited to their roles, it was still fun to see those familiar faces once again.

Armin Shimerman (Quark)

Shimerman was the first Trek alum to crossover, appearing as a member of a quirky, tree-dwelling alien society known as the Nox. No Ferengi, these cuddly, be-fro’ed pacifists were one of the most appealing alien races to feature on Stargate: They seemed like simple villagers at first glance, only to turn out to be so evolved they no longer needed technology or weaponry to thrive. Shimerman brought charm to his role as Nox dad Anteaus.

Marina Sirtis (Counselor Troi)

I have a hard time differentiating Sirtis from ditzy Troi, so it was pretty amusing to see her featured as a “brilliant Russian scientist.” Her Russian accent was . . . interesting, and at times indistinguishable from her Troi accent. Sirtis wasn’t the only “crossover” here: the plot of “Watergate,” the episode in which she appeared, is a blatant ripoff of “Home Soil” from Season 1 of TNG. I half expected the Enkarans to refer to SG-1 as “ugly bags of mostly water” . . . and then for Sirtis to use her telepathy on them.

Dwight Schultz (Reginald Barclay)

I didn’t even realize Schultz was in this episode at first — it was not until later I discovered that the guy who played Reg appeared in it. It’s not that Schultz looks very different from his TNG days; it’s that Reg’s nervous mannerisms were so much a part of his character that it was hard to recognize him without them. That’s a credit to Schultz’s acting abilities: the character he plays in Stargate, the Gamekeeper, is also a quirky, jittery fellow, but somehow Schultz makes him utterly distinct from Reg.

Rene Auberjonois (Odo)

Auberjonois is excellent as Alar, the leader of a corrupt and genocidal society in “The Other Side.” The crisp diffidence he brings to the character appropriately recalls the Nazis or General Dyer: it’s evil cloaked by bureaucratic pleasantries, undercut by barely detectable anxiety.

John DeLancie (Q)

DeLancie played one of the suits over various sorts who threatened to shut down the Stargate program (not without reason). But the role never seemed to fit him all that well: It forced him to be a boring bureaucrat, with none of the puckish humor Q was known for. Though it was fun to see an ex-Trek star again, his role could have been filled just as well by a lesser-known actor.

Jolene Blalock (T’Pol)

Blalock wasn’t really well-suited for her role as Ishta, leader of a renegade group of female Jaffa: She just doesn’t have the physical prowess and imposing manner the role requires. Her big fight scene with Teal’c, with its numerous distracting cross-cuts and gymnastic gyrations done by a stunt double, was the most ludicrous display of fisticuffs to appear on Stargate. On the bright side, though, it was nice to see Teal’c get a girlfriend, and to finally find out what happened to all the female Jaffa. And Blalock looked amazing. I never realized how unflattering the T’Pol makeup was until I saw her as Ishta. She is stunning (which, doubtless, is why Christopher Judge wrote this episode with her in mind).

John Billingsley (Dr. Phlox)

Billingsley plays Simon Coombs, an SGC scientist and SG-1 fanboy, in “The Other Guys,” one of the most Trek-centric episodes of Stargate. (He’s the one who dropped the line about feeling like a redshirt.) Alongside fellow nerd Fetzer, he goes on an ill-fated mission to “rescue” SG-1, getting to don Jaffa armor and fire a zat along the way. Billingsley hams it up and sometimes overacts, but overall is very funny as the bumbling Coombs.

Ronny Cox (Captain Jellico)

Cox, who appeared in two episodes of TNG (“Chain of Command,” a two-parter) is great as the corrupt Senator Kinsey, one of the SGC’s biggest foes back on Earth. He’s perfectly believable as a politician who talks about God and country with a smug sincerity, then turns his hand to backroom dealings with clandestine organizations once the cameras are off.

Robert Picardo (The EMH)

Another great villainous bureaucrat is Picardo’s Richard Woolsey. Woolsey’s character arc is similar to the EMH’s, actually: He starts out crusty, huffy, and petty, and little by little shows his warmer side, until eventually he’s accepted by the people he once antagonized. Sure enough, Picardo’s now found a regular role for himself as Woolsey on Stargate Atlantis. I haven’t watched Atlantis yet, so I can’t tell you about Connor Trinneer’s performances either, but I look forward to seeing the charmingly uptight Woolsey on it when I do.

Tony Amendola (Chorus #1 on Voyager episode “The Muse”)

And, finally, Amendola doesn’t really count, as he only had a bit part on one forgettable VOY episode, but I had to include him because, well, he plays Master Bra’tac, and Bra’tac rocks.

vs.

(1) Julia Roberts 2001 vs.  (19) Ryoko Hirosue 2009

It’s an easy win here for Roberts: those classic lines handily beat out Hirosue’s gentle pleats. Hirosue’s dress is pretty, but Roberts’s Valentino blends elegance and casual sportness in a memorable combination. The pinstripes on Roberts’s train cunningly accentuate that “V” neckline, whereas Hirosue’s train is less ethereal than it could be.

(Plus, you know something’s a great dress when lil’ munchkins want to wear it for Halloween . . . five years later. This kid has great fashion sense, plus one awesome mother.)

Winner: Roberts ‘01

vs.

(8) Angelina Jolie 2004 vs. (9) Halle Berry 2003

On closer inspection, both these dresses have their flaws: Berry’s is not fitted well around the bosom (ouch!), and the silhouette of Jolie’s borders on the boxy. The resplendent golden glow of Berry’s gown can’t outdo its busy-ness, leaving the viewer not sure where to look; the height of the translucent skirt (going all the way up to her hip) is distracting when viewed from the right. Jolie ekes out a win.

Winner:Jolie

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(5) Penelope Cruz 2007 vs. (12) Chloe Sevigny 2000

Over-the-top glam meets understated elegance in a close match. Chloe combines chic with sexy, her full, flouncy skirt and matte black allowing her to get away with a very daring neckline, but ultimately Cruz comes out on top with her memorable pairing of couture and girly frou-frou.

Winner:

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(4) Meryl Streep 2009 vs. (13) Heather Graham 2000

This one’s an easy victory for La Streep. The beading on Graham’s gown is exquisite, but its low neckline and short train say “night at the club,” not “Oscars.” Streep’s gown, meanwhile, is all elegance, and it displays one of her greatest physical assets: her marmoreal shoulders.

Winner: Streep

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(6) Anne Hathaway 2009 vs. (11) Kate Hudson 2003

Hudson’s dress is lovely, using delicate embroidery and transparent overlays to great effect, but it doesn’t have quite the same “wow” factor as Hathaway’s. In nearly every picture, Hathaway’s skirt drapes around her legs, forming a perfect silhouette as its half-moon train falls on the red carpet. Its pearly luster gives it a pop that Hudson’s gown lacks.

Winner: Hathaway

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(3) Catherine Zeta-Jones 2003  vs. (14) Hilary Swank 2001

Swank glows, but her golden gown just can’t compare to the awesomeness of Zeta-Jones’s. Seriously, if all maternity wear looked this good, there’d be a lot more children in this world. Even with the unfortunate slit in the front, Zeta-Jones’s gown reigns supreme, with its barely-there dusting of rhinestones adding glamour and its sparkly straps emphasizing the wearer’s bosom. It’s no small feat to turn a third-trimester belly into a fashion statement, but that’s what this dress does.

Winner: Zeta-Jones

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(7) Jennifer Lopez 2001 vs. (10) Helen Mirren 2007

Demure takes on daring with this matchup, in which both dresses coincidentally have a two-piece look about them. Though Mirren’s dress shows off her remarkably athletic figure (at 60!), on closer inspection the silver beading on the bodice weighs it down, and the blotches on the skirt look too much like stains. It’s an easy victory for Lopez.

Winner: Lopez

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(2) Nicole Kidman 2003  vs. (15) Beyonce Knowles 2005

Interesting things happen when you put these dresses side-by-side — like a chanteuse who’s been in one movie beating out an A-lister known for her red-carpet savoir-faire. It’s a shocking win for 15th-seeded Knowles, as the sheer shape of her gown makes Kidman’s dress look busy and cluttered. That daring how-does-it-stay-up? neckline! The sweep of that skirt! This, my friends, is design, whereas Kidman’s dress has too much going on in the name of being “interesting” to work well as a whole.

Winner: Knowles ‘05

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(1) Halle Berry 2002 vs. (16) Jennifer Garner 2004

Garner’s orange is utterly crushed by Berry’s justly-famous burgundy. Her iridescent skirt, with the odd large ruffle on its train, doesn’t quite match with the soft shirring of the bodice and the slim, leg-hugging lines of the pencil skirt. As fond as I am of the bright shade, I have to admit that this gown’s just not nearly as iconic as Berry’s number.

Winner: Berry

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(8) Marcia Gay Harden ‘01 vs. (9) Keira Knightley ‘06

This battle of the burgundies is a close one. Harden brings the classic glam, while Knightley opts for couture-inflected pleats and folding. That unfortunate, bladder-shaped fold over Knightley’s bodice is what gives Harden the edge.

Winner: Harden

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(5) Nicole Kidman ‘07 vs. (12) Salma Hayek ‘05

Hayek is the surprise winner here: Kidman is long, lean, and lovely in her red column, but the too-long streamer in the back and the hint of glittery trim detract from the clean look of her gown. Hayek shines in an unusual shade of midnight blue in a sexy yet distressed gown that accentuates her figure.

Winner: Hayek

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(4) Hilary Swank ‘00 vs. (13) Katherine Heigl ‘08

This was a close one: both gowns are exquisite. Heigl rocks the bright red like nobody’s business, and the “shoulder loop” adds a touch of piquancy and fun to her dress. But Swank is every inch the princess in her ball gown, which might well have inspired Princess Tiana’s. And the rich olive green shade keeps it from getting too girly.

Winner: Swank

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(6) Kate Winslet ‘07 vs. (11) Renee Zellweger ‘01

Both these dresses bespeak casual elegance, and their rarely-seen shades of mint and buttercup make them stand out. It’s a close one, but Zellweger wins out for the vibrancy of the yellow and the effortless lines of her vintage gown. That dress looks comfortable as well as chic.

Winner: Zellweger

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(3) Kate Winslet ‘02 vs. (14) Charlize Theron ‘00

This is how you can tell I’m a (straight) woman: I find Theron’s dress too sexy for the red carpet. I love the design, I love the color, and I like Charlize, but the low cut and flimsy fabric would make me want to cover my children’s eyes, if I had any children. So Winslet breezes past, even though her stunning red gown would have been a match for even a more formidable competitor.

Winner: Winslet

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(7) Gwyneth Paltrow ‘07 vs. (10) Reese Witherspoon ‘07

This is perhaps the most interesting matchup, as both dresses are so unique. Much as I love the muted fabric and multicolored layers of Witherspoon’s skirt, I’m going to have to give the win to Paltrow. The silhouette of her gown is classic Oscar dress, but the rest of the design takes a 180 from tradition with some fabulous pleating work. Paltrow looks like a deconstructed sunburst, in the best possible way.

Winner: Paltrow

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(2) Hilary Swank ‘05 vs. (15) Laura Linney ‘01

Two simple gowns with exciting twists go head-to-head here.  While the lines of Linney’s red Valentino approach perfection, Swank’s gown is the more unforgettable. It’s full of little eye-catching details, like the unexpected asymmetry of the back and the crisscrossing bands across the waist. Who would have thought a high-necked, long-sleeved gown could bring so much drama?

Winner: Swank

To see the updated bracket, click below:

Oscarology Sweet Sixteen

Color Division Rankings

1. Halle Berry, 2002

Elie Saab

Best Actress Winner, Monster’s Ball

This dress presents a quadruple threat: it was a) worn by Halle  Berry b) for her emotional Best Actress win c) on the historic night when two black actors first won Best Actor and Best Actress in the same year, and d) it’s absolutely gorgeous. Not to mention unique. Its strategically-placed embroidery, sheathlike silhouette showcasing Berry’s perfect figure, and lush train of burgundy silk make this the gown to beat in this division.

2. Hilary Swank, 2005

Guy LaRoche

Best Actress Winner, Million Dollar Baby

Swank gets huge points for originality with this midnight-blue gown that made her back the focal point. The front is clingy as a catsuit, sparing this long-sleeved number from getting too nunlike, while plenty of artful draping add interests. And when Swank turned around — wham! — the audience got an eyeful of rarely-bared yet still alluring skin.

3. Kate Winslet, 2002

Ben Lisi

Nominated for Best Actress for Iris

Here Winslet puts a flowery spin on the one-shoulder trend, choosing a fairylike spray of flowers in lieu of a strap. This simple and winsome touch makes her run-of-the-mill (if lovely) red gown a contender. Whether those flowers can take the gown past some of the more unique and memorable creations on this list, though, remains to be seen.

5. Hilary Swank, 2000

Randolph Duke

Winner, Best Actress for Boys Don’t Cry

After seeing Swank play a girl credibly passing as a boy in Boys Don’t Cry, it was almost a shock to see her looking so fresh and feminine at the ‘00 Oscars. Swank has the air of a countess in this full-skirted, lavish, silken number. The olive color was an unusual and striking choice that, I think, made the dress work: Imagine it in a pale neutral instead. Pretty, yes; memorable, no.

6. Kate Winslet 2007

Valentino

Nominated, Best Actress for Little Children

Winslet is every inch the goddess in this mint-colored Valentino, which merges Old Hollywood glam with the “toga” trend current in ‘07. It flatters her statuesque figure, and the single shoulder strap calls attention to her face and sleek updo. The streamer in back adds an elegant touch. And, as with Swank’s ‘00 dress, color makes the gown: what would have been blah in white shimmers in green.

7. Gwyneth Paltrow, 2007

Zac Posen

Presenter

Paltrow rocked the geometry in ‘07: This dress is all about the intersection of pleats, triangles, and crisscrossing lines. She looks modern, chic, and confident, like someone who’s finally found her own style. The muted orange flatters her pale skin tone and is much in keeping with her Zen-by-way-of-Whole Foods persona.

8. Marcia Gay Harden, 2001

Randolph Duke

Winner, Best Supporting Actress for Pollock

Bombshell is the word that leaps to mind when viewing Harden in this daring red strapless gown. It’s very vintage and very Marilyn. Though the fit perhaps could be better, especially around the hips, Harden still strikes quite a figure in the sleek dress, with a shawl wrapped around her elbows for added elegance.

9. Keira Knightley, 2007

Vera Wang

Nominated, Best Actress for Pride and Prejudice

Here it’s all about the luscious burgundy silk of this gown, yards and yards of it, beautifully flounced and folded and pleated. The design, in fact, may be a little on the weak side, especially that shoulder strap/panel thingy, but it’s still a great look and color for Knightley. Elizabeth Bennet would have approved.

9. Reese Witherspoon, 2007

Nina Ricci

Presenter

Witherspoon loves purple and blue shades, and no wonder: They highlight her fair skin and bring out her blue eyes. This dress, with its layers of subtly-different shades, was one of her best blue-hued choices. Its swirled skirt is both modern and girly, an apt fit for her likeable, girl-next-door persona. The (chiffon?) fabric is also an unusual choice that adds texture and interest to the gown.

11. Renee Zellweger 2001

Lily et Cie

Host, Technical Awards Banquet

This fun, flirty dress in a unusual canary shade helped put Zellweger on the map. It looks comfortable, as if it’s something she just threw on, but in an elegant, relaxed way. The color brings out her hair, and that draping in the front is intriguing: is it a flounce or train? Plus, the little-seen sweetheart neckline adds to the dress’s charm.

12. Salma Hayek, 2005

Prada

Presenter

Hayek shone in this deep blue gown with carefully-placed black accents. The form-fitting dress with its plunging neckline showcased her famous figure, while its black bands and straps added shape and structure.  The sheen of the silk was lovely, especially in the gathered train, though perhaps that train could have been better-placed: It cuts Hayek off at the knees, making her look shorter than she is.

13. Katherine Heigl, 2008

Escada

Presenter

Though I’m not loving the wannabe Marilyn hair and lipstick, otherwise Heigl is a knockout in red Escada. Here’s how to do goddess right: with a couple of modern touches (like that neat circular shoulder) and a lot of classic glam (that sensuously flowing skirt). This is a minimalist dress that relies on cut and color for its impact — no extraneous frills or “interesting” pieces-for-the-sake-of-pieces here — and it works beautifully.

14. Charlize Theron, 2000

Vera Wang

Presenter

Here Theron works a hard-to-pull-off color: terracotta. It’s a great match with her glowing, slightly freckled tan, and her blondish-brown hair color. Totally 30’s, the clinging column ends in a cunning, subtly-scalloped swirl around Theron’s feet. The dress may be a little too clingy for its own good, though, and the silver clips are a mite distracting.

15. Laura Linney, 2001

Valentino

Nominated, Best Actress for The House of Mirth

At first glance only a column, albeit in a stunning shade of red, this dress has several surprises in store: a smart crisscrossed back, and a flowing, ethereal train. Its lines accentuate Linney’s long, lithe figure, while the teensy straps and high neckline show off her shoulders. The red shade itself makes a nice contrast with her fair skin and blonde hair.

16. Jennifer Garner 2004

Valentino

Host, Technical Awards Banquet

Garner is smashing in a little-seen color: orange. While I love the shade and the overskirt, which hints at Renaissance gowns, I’m not crazy about how the draping calls attention to her waist.

I’ve settled on what I considered the top 32 dresses of the decade, and divided them into two divisions based on color: the Neutral Division (buffs, beiges, whites, blacks, grays, matte golds, pale peaches, and the like) and the Color Division (your reds, greens, blues, and basically everything else). Then, I seeded the dresses based on four factors: 1) design of the dress; 2) how well it fits the wearer, in terms of both personality and figure; 3) the fame of the wearer (A-listers get seeded higher); and 4) “historical significance” of the dress (basically, did the wearer win an award in it, and, if so, which one?) After the seeding, however, fame and history won’t count for anything, and I’ll compare the dresses on their own merits (factors 1 and 2).

Here’s how I seed the Neutral Division (click images for larger version):

1. Julia Roberts, 2001

Vintage Valentino

Best Actress, Erin Brockovich

This dress, long a critical favorite, combines classic lines (an almost-strapless look with a long train) with modern details (white piping that unexpectedly forms a V-neckline). It piquantly pairs menswear details like the “pinstripes” of the skirt with beautifully feminine lines. Unique and elegant, this one will be difficult to beat.

2. Nicole Kidman, 2003

Jean-Paul Gaultier

Best Actress, The Hours

Kidman’s win and fame may give this dress some traction it doesn’t deserve: While its interesting lines are refreshing, some critics derided as “lopsided” and said black wasn’t Kidman’s best color. Its draping, however, is beautiful, and the three strands around Kidman’s shoulder make for a unique touch.

3. Katherine Zeta-Jones

Best Supporting Actress, Chicago

Rarely has pregnancy looked this elegant. Being with child definitely agrees with Zeta-Jones, who was radiant that Oscar night even before she won her award. The sumptuous, Renaissance-inflected lines of the bodice would have been memorable even on an actress of less stature, and, in a design coup, the full skirt actually accentuates Baby Zeta-Jones. The slit in the skirt may be the only misstep here: while it probably was added for ease of movement, it does interrupt the flow of the skirt.

4. Meryl Streep, 2009

Alberta Ferretti

Nominated, Doubt

Streep’s marmoreal shoulders are some of her best assets, and she wisely chose a dress that would show them off. Her gown looks back to the Renaissance, with its draped off-the-shoulder neckline, and straight ahead to the deconstructed trends of today with its loose, casual lines. Add a regal updo, and Streep is the picture of an Italian countess.

5. Penelope Cruz, 2007

Versace

Nominated for Best Actress for Volver

Okay, full disclosure: I love this dress beyond all reason. In fact, I probably would have gone ahead and made it Dress of the Decade had I not decided on this ranking system. But, I think, most people would admit, there’s a lot to like here: that fluffy train, the peachy-pink hue which is just perfect on Cruz, and the fact that it’s a mermaid gown that actually works instead of looking Barbie-esque and contrived.

6. Anne Hathaway, 2009

Nominated for Best Actress for Rachel Getting Married

Armani

Though she’s had some missteps in the past (notably that bow-bedecked number she had on in 2007), in ‘09 Hathaway became a contender with this gown. Along the way, she taught us what “pailettes” meant, as her sleek dress was encrusted with them, to dazzling effect. The gown hovers between silver and white, hinting at Deco without slipping over the edge into costumey territory, and its lines make Hathaway look long and elegant.

7. Jennifer Lopez, 2001

Versace

Presenter

J. Lo made a stir in ‘01 with her NSFW gown, and though many decried the dress as another lame attention-getting device, I loved it. The difference between this gown and the infamous green Versace she wore to the Grammys in 2000 is the difference between ‘nude’ and ‘naked’: the first evokes classical art and is about the beauty of the human body; the latter is about titillation. It was nice to see a dress that celebrated the loveliness of the female breast for a change, instead of just inviting viewers to stare at some boobs.

8. Angelina Jolie, 2004

Marc Bouwer

Presenter

Shiny satin can be tough to pull off — it has a tendency to hug curves and add pounds to even the most waiflike of actresses — but Jolie did it beautifully with this 1930s-inspired gown in ‘04. The plunging neckline reveals just enough without being hootchie, while the scarf adds grace and glamour. The pearl-like color also adds to the ‘wow’ factor: it’s not stark white, which might have glared under the lights and matched poorly with Jolie’s skin tone.

9. Halle Berry, 2003

Elie Saab

Presenter

Speaking of sparkle, how about Halle Berry’s glimmering gown in ‘03? Gold is definitely her color, and the single shoulder strap is very alluring. The semi-transparent skirt teases the viewer with a glimpse of leg while it keeps the gown from being too blinged-out.

10. Helen Mirren, 2007

Best Actress, The Queen

The Dame proved that actresses over 50 don’t have to look dowdy with this cute, fresh, just-blinged enough gown. The skirt, daubed with impressionistic gold swatches, even swirled. Also, Mirren shows that dresses with sleeves can wow as well as your garden-variety strapless, halter, and one-shoulder gowns.

11. Kate Hudson, 2003

Versace

Guest; Hosted Technical Awards Banquet

Hudson shimmered in Versace in ‘03. This dress, with its cap sleeves and empire waistline, hinted at the Regency, and its lace overlay was pure elegance. The”champagne” color was lovely as well, as was the lengthy, flowing train.

12. Chloe Sevigny, 2000

Yves Saint-Laurent

Nominated, Best Supporting Actress, Boys Don’t Cry

Sevigny went for simple, classic lines in her Oscar debut. I love the crisp fabric of this dress, which I believe is silk duponi; it folds beautifully. The plunging neckline is daring, but the elegant lines of the dress more than counteract it.

13. Heather Graham, 2000

Gucci

Presenter

Graham shone in this silver gown with its abstract beaded pattern that resembled a blingier version of topographical lines. The beaded straps are a nice touch, too (as, of course, is the 50 carat diamond necklace!). Some critics found the silhouette too “cocktail,” though.

14. Hilary Swank, 2001

Versace

Presenter

Swank brought the va-va-voom to the ‘01 Oscars with this form-fitting golden gown. Just check out the pleats of that skirt! The train is the ideal length and it falls beautifully: Swank looks downright mermaidic. The fabric clings to her figure like a second skin, but she’s got the body to make it work. Some might call the color a smidge on the bland side, but I think it’s got sufficient sparkle.

15. Beyonce Knowles, 2005

Versace

Performed nominees for Best Song

Beyonce never looked more elegant than she did in this black velvet number in ‘05. The gown shows off the material to its best advantage: it’s so matte it almost appears a silhouette at first glance, revealing a beautiful cut, but then you notice the subtle hints of sheen, nipping in at Beyonce’s waist and creating lines that emphasize the length of her legs.

16. Ryoko Hirosue, 2009

Valentino

Starred in Best Foreign Picture winner Departures

This dress, though not worn by a major American star, is one of my longshot picks. Its pleats are suggestive of the ‘goddess’ trend of 2007-8, but not in a togalike or costumey way. It’s just simple, subdued glamor, letting rich fabric and graceful pleating speak for themselves.

Worst Dressed Golden Globes ‘10

Worst Gown of the Night: Anna Paquin

This dress seems to be encrusted with barnacles. Blingy barnacles, yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that it looks like something a six-year-old-girl would make out of rhinestones and glitter. Under the spotlight, it glitzed and shone, which, coupled with the low neckline, make Paquin look a little too Vegas. (In this still picture, though, it’s not that bad, and it does fit her well. See, I told you this was a weak year for snark.)

Biggest Disappointment: (tie) Penelope Cruz and Kate Winslet

Penelope is one of the most reliable stars out there when it comes to looking fabulous on the red carpet. She rarely missteps, and even when she does, as in this odd dress that looks like it was pieced together from three different gowns, she still doesn’t miss the mark by much.

Kate Winslet, on the other hand, has the kind of classically pretty face and curvaceous figure that could make her a fashion icon. But her gown choices are very conservative. She loves the one-shoulder look, but it’s getting a little tired, especially here, in basic black.

Marion Cotillard

I can’t figure out if Cotillard’s slip is showing, or if that bit of lace-trimmed black fabric on her left leg is part of her gown. At either rate, it’s one more conflicting element in a gown that has too much going on.

Diane Kruger

Inglorious Basterds actress Kruger channels her inner Barbie in a foofy pink gown with an out-of-place white bow.

Jayma Mays

I like the bodice of this dress, which looks like something Emma Pillsbury, Mays’s character on Glee, would wear, but I think the skirt was woven by Charlotte the spider. Either that or she’s trying to hypnotize the Hollywood Foreign Press into voting for Glee — well, if so, she was successful. (Go Glee!)

Lea Michele

Lea Michele also seems to be going for Glee character correspondence: this is the kind of thing Rachel Berry would wear while channeling Maria Callas. In real life, though, it’s just an overstuffed, starchy gown that overwhelms the young actress.

Felicity Huffman

The Art Deco collar of this dress is gorgeous. Want. Unfortunately, the pleating and the low-cut opening also compete for the viewer’s attention. An element as beautiful as that collar should be allowed to stand on its own, complemented by a simple skirt and bodice.

Zoe Saldana

The raspberry color of this gown is luscious, but Saldana is overwhelmed by all those ruffles. Too many pleats and flounces threaten to take her into hoedown territory, and the frumpy, layered skirt does nothing for her long, lithe figure.

Christina Aguilera

I can’t look at this dress without thinking that Christina’s right bra cup has popped out. The wire wrapping on the bodice doesn’t work, either: she looks like a Borg ballerina.

Bonus: Christina and Cher!

Xtina and Cher bring some welcome weirdness to a night of bland gowns. Cher is channeling Morticia Addams and, actually, I think it’s kind of awesome. The look works for Cher, whereas on anybody else it would be absolutely ridiculous. It’s even better paired with Christina’s Paris Hilton-in-Ace-bandages getup.

Kristen Bell

At big awards shows, there’s always one actress who mistakes her towel or bathrobe for her gown. This year, it’s Kristen Bell, going for the toga party look in overly-pleated strapless white satin. (Her floral-design collar necklace, though, is adorable.)