Every now and then a younger officer will ask me, “Commander Riker, you’re the First Officer on the Federation’s flagship, and yet you can’t be older than 35! What’s the secret to your success?” Normally, in cases like these, the thing to do is answer modestly, “Oh, I was just in the right place at the right time.”
But platitudes won’t help anyone up the promotion ladder and, as a highly placed officer, I feel it is my duty to let my younger compatriots in on a few of my tactics. Sure, I’m pretty intelligent, not too shabby in a firefight, and I can hold my own on the deck of a Klingon cruiser, but so can most folks who make it to Lieutenant without becoming cannon fodder. No, the real reason I am where I am today is a little something I like to call “positive reinforcement,” or, as it is more unkindly known, brownnosing.
Brownnosing gets a bad reputation, but what is it, really, except reminding your superiors of their talents and accomplishments? And so what if you exaggerate those talents a bit? You’re only inspiring your shipmates to become the best Starfleet officers they can be. As I see it, everyone profits.
Besides, brownnosing can reap you rich rewards: promotions, better quarters, freedom from unpleasant duties like cleaning out the plasma vents. You can also think of it as insurance in case anything goes wrong. As a Starfleet officer, there will be times you’ll end up in a little scrape by, oh, violating the Prime Directive, or having the ship get stolen while you’re in command, or wrecking a First Contact by sleeping with the leader of an alien planet. Then will be the time to cash in on all those brownie points you’ve been so carefully been building up.
So, you’re probably asking, “How do I go about working positive reinforcement into my routine?” Here’s a few tips, illustrated with examples from my career:
1. Remind your boss of his accomplishments. Don’t let him be modest about them!
Always be aware of your boss’s brightest moments, and keep on the lookout for opportunities to mention them. When Captain Picard started reminiscing about his time on the Stargazer, for example, even though I sensed he was going a little crazy, I took the chance to remind him about the Picard Maneuver. I hinted, “Then, with your shields falling, sir….,” prompting him to take it from there and finish the story. When he insisted that blasting into warp, making the ship appear as though it was in two places at once, was “only what any good helmsman would have done,” I gave him a big smile and said, “But you did it first, sir!” Doubtless, when the Ferengi mind control wore off, he remembered how his Number One had reminded him of his great achievement.
2. Your boss is never wrong. Always have his back.
Picard came under a lot of criticism for his brilliantly unorthodox strategies, mostly at the hands of admirals. I made sure to always back him up, even when I didn’t know what the hell he was doing. When some Ferengis tried to frame him with faked logs that “showed” he attacked a ship flying under a flag of truce, even though I was almost convinced he did give the order to fire, I was sure to say, “Sir, I don’t believe you could have ever said that!” And when Commander Remmick was giving him grief, I stood by him once more, telling him, “Regardless, sir, I should realize that whatever your reasons are, they’re valid. Whether or not I understand them.” In these cases, luckily, my blind loyalty paid off. Your boss may not be as awesome as Picard, but you’d do well to take his side anyway. (Unless he screws up royally, in which case, distance yourself from him as quickly as possible! You see, brownnosing’s not just about flattery. There’s strategy involved.)
3. Imply that your boss is your greatest role model. Do this even when he’s not around – it’ll be sure to get back to him anyway.
Your boss will be even more appreciative of your admiration of him if hears about it second-hand. Once, when young Wesley Crusher was nervous about leading a mining survey team, I gave him some invaluable advice. “In situations like this,” I told him, “you only have to do one thing: Ask yourself, ‘What would Picard do?’.” And when the boy protested that he was no Picard (and who is?), I asked him, “Would anyone argue with the Captain once his decision was made?” I made sure to say this really loudly, in the middle of Ten Forward, so that everyone could hear just how much I looked up to the Captain and bowed to his authority. I advise you try the same in the break room (or whatever your century’s equivalent of Ten Forward is).
4. Praise everything your boss does to the skies – even if he just got promoted or transferred (you never know – he might hire you in the future!).
Once, some bigwigs wanted to make Captain Picard Commandant of Starfleet Academy. At first, I panicked at the thought of having to serve under another captain who might not be so lenient about my busy social life. But I quickly recovered my composure and remarked, “Congratulations! What a wonderful choice, sir! You’ll be able to shape the minds of the future leaders of Starfleet.”
As it turned out, Picard got to stay aboard the Enterprise, which was lucky for both of us. But, had he gone, I’m sure he would have warmly remembered my parting words – and maybe gotten me a cushy gig teaching something like business or education.
5. Get your boss some action.
The life of a Starfleet captain is a lonely one: regulations prevent you from dating anyone under your command, and you’re usually stuck on board ship during away missions, meaning you rarely get the chance to meet any sexy aliens. But captains are a stoic lot, who don’t want admit they need a break – or some “intimate companionship,” for that matter. It took a lot of hard work and quick thinking for me to get Captain Picard into the arms of a beautiful woman on Risa. I had to conspire with Deanna and Dr. Crusher to get him off the ship in the first place, and then I had to make sure he picked up a horga’hn in case he tried to spend his whole shore leave reading or something like that, but I think it paid off. (Actually, I’m not exactly sure what happened down on Risa, but I know he was a lot a happier once he got back!)
I have to warn you, this is brownnosing of a very advanced caliber, and if you live on one of those repressive, pre-utopian planets that still has things like lawyers and HR departments, you may need to tread very carefully. But pull this off, and you’re all but guaranteed a promotion. Who wouldn’t think kindly of an underling who got him (or her – remind me to tell you about that time I served under Commander Palmer on the Endeavor) a little fling? I know I would.
So, my fine young friends, go forth and butter up those Lieutenants, Commanders, and Captains! (Not literally, of course, unless you’re enacting suggestion #5 and they’re into that kind of thing.) And if anybody mutters that you’re “slimier than an oil slick on Vagra II,” remember my motto: Brownnosing is the deuterium that sets promotions in motion!
