She-Devils of the Song Dynasty: Pan Jinlian

Pan Jinlian

Pan Jinlian

Outlaws of the Marsh, awesome as it may be, is basically a man’s book. The primary relationships it describes are brotherly (its alternate title is All Men Are Brothers), and women, when they’re not relegated to the sidelines, are portrayed as lustful, catty deceivers who betray the men who rescue them. Twice in twenty episodes the same storyline is repeated: good man marries poor beauty, only to have her cheat on him. He forgives her and even offers her a no-strings divorce so she can be with her lover, but she continues to make demands, and, eventually, meets a violent end. Her killer is vindicated as a moral man who was simply pushed to the brink by this conniving she-demon. One starts to suspect the author, Shi Naian, must have been drawing on memories of a nasty breakup when writing Outlaws!

But Shi Naian’s plan to vilify women seems to have backfired with his creation of Pan Jinlian, the “Golden Lotus,” who remains an enigmatic and influential  figure in Chinese culture to this day. Pan Jinlian “enjoys” a status like that of Helen of Troy’s in Western culture – her name has become a byword for an untrustworthy seductress.

Wu Da reunites with his brother Wu Song.

Wu Da reunites with his brother Wu Song.

Her story: A beautiful woman married to an ugly dwarf named Wu Da (or Wu Dalang), Pan Jinlian attempts to seduce the dwarf’s brother, the warrior Wu Song. Being an upright guy, Wu Song rebuffs her. A crafty neighbor woman, Mrs. Wang, arranges for her to meet a wealthy playboy named Ximen Xing, and the two soon embark on a torrid love affair. Eventually, they’re caught in the act by Wu Da, who generously offers not to tell Wu Song – a Tarantino-esque killing machine who would certainly avenge him – about their treachery on the condition that Pan Jinlian remain faithful to him in the future.

But soon enough Pan Jinlian and Ximen Xing are back to their lustful ways, and, fearing that Wu Song will kill them if he finds out, team up with Mrs. Wang to poison Wu Da with cyanide. In the Outlaws of the Marsh version of the tale, when Wu Song discovers the truth about his brother’s murder, he beheads both Pan Jinlian and Ximen Xing, while Mrs. Wang is arrested and executed – by the “death of one thousand cuts” — for her part in the crime.

Wanton hussy: Pan Jinlian cavorts with Ximen Xing in a teahouse while Mrs. Wang stands guard.

Wanton hussy: Pan Jinlian cavorts with Ximen Xing in a teahouse while Mrs. Wang stands guard.

In the erotic classic The Golden Lotus, however, Pan Jinlian marries Ximen Xing after Wu Da’s death, becoming just one of his many concubines. This book, so racy it was banned in China for centuries, features Ximen Xing in hundreds of bedroom escapades. And its version of Pan Jinlian as lascivious seductress is the one that’s persisted in the public imagination. Google her name and you’ll find that she pops up as a character in several NSFW videos. These illustrations (not explicit) represent her as a conniving slut with a heavily painted face, utterly ungrateful to her good-natured husband.

In 1986, the playwright Wei Minglun revisited the story in his opera Pan Jinlian. There, he portrayed Pan Jinlian as a victim of her culture who would have simply divorced Wu Da had she been able to. Other characters in this avant-garde opera include Anna Karenina (!), who advises Pan Jinlian to run away, and a modern-day female judge who excoriates Wu Song for his cruelty.

Bound feet of an elderly Chinese woman.

Bound feet of an elderly Chinese woman.

The CCTV adaptation also presents a revisionist version of Pan Jinlian, though it’s not quite as feminist as Wei Minglun’s opera. It portrays her actions as understandable, though never excusable: she’s less a shameless hussy and more of a bored housewife. Mrs. Wang observes that she never leaves the house, and one can see why she might seek out a romance with Wu Song: she has bound feet and Wu Da is almost her only connection with the outside world, and she probably had little choice as to her husband was. In the T.V. version, she’s also initially reluctant to take up with Ximen Xing and is conflicted about whether to get back together with him after Wu Da forgives her. Ximen Xing and Mrs. Wang are portrayed more as the aggressors and Pan Jinlian as the confused, emotional, and somewhat stupid girl who can be easily led astray by those with stronger personalities. She’s not very moral, but she’s not out-and-out evil, either.

Shi Naian seemed to have a problem with women who revealed a strong sexuality or who were independent and meddled in the affairs of men (Mrs. Wang). One of the few “good” women in Outlaws, Lin Chong’s wife, was a model of constancy who refused to divorce her husband when he was sent to prison, and who hung herself out of grief at his absence. She even told her husband not to take revenge on a man who tried to rape her, as the man was the son of a powerful official who could cause trouble for their family if anything happened to his son. So, in this narrative, a woman can either be utterly self-effacing and good, and wind up dead, or crafty and lustful and wicked, and . . . wind up dead. CCTV, to its credit, portrays Mrs. Lin with much the same nuance as it did Pan Jinlian: she’s not held up as a model wife but as a good, albeit hurting, woman, whose suicide appears as the logical extension of her self-effacing nature. It’s a subtle testament to a changed China.

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You’re Safer Than You Think: Advocates For A Less Fearful Life

At least he's safe . . . Once, I helped out at a church daycare, looking after eight one- to two-year-olds while their moms were at Bible study (translation: coffee and chatting, though, after learning how active toddlers can be, I was happy to help those moms get a break). One week, a woman who usually watched over the under-ones came to assist me and the (wonderful) homeschooled teenager who was my partner-in-toddler-wrangling. And she was absolutely horrified that we did not wash all the toys and spray them down with Lysol after the kids went home.

“You’re supposed to wash and spray anything that goes in a kid’s mouth or anything touched by a kid with a runny nose!” she lectured us. “What if somebody has a cold and chews on a toy and somebody else picks it up and gets their germs?!”

Well, it was winter, and at least three of the kids had runny noses at any given time, and, given that toddlers have the attention span of caffeinated gnats, if we had followed this lady’s advice we would have been washing and spraying toys nonstop, and all the rugrats would have been knocked out by Lysol vapors before their moms got midway through Leviticus.

Now my homeschooled pal and I had enough to do – one mature 14-year-old and one 26-year-old grad student are just about a match for eight toddlers, on a good day – so we just kind of nodded and went back to our usual policy of cleaning the stuff that got actual spit or mucus on it and leaving the rest alone.

What happened? The kids got colds. The 14-year-old got colds. I got colds. And you know what? Nobody died. The kids proved pretty hardy, and continued to play and toddle around and listen to stories despite their runny noses. (They did better sick than I did, actually.) And everybody’s immune systems got a little more resistant. Kids are little germ incubators simply because they haven’t caught everything that’s out there yet. Disinfect everything they get their hands on and they won’t be able to develop the antibodies they’ll need later on in life.

I thought about Lysol Lady often while reading Warwick Cairns’s How To Live Dangerously, a great little book about how we’re all a lot safer than we think we are, and how we worry far too much about catastrophes like plane crashes and terrorist attacks when what we should really be concerned about is clogging our arteries and not getting enough exercise.

The Walkodile: Are we having fun yet?

The Walkodile: Are we having fun yet?

Cairns’s book is filled with such examples of nightly-news-induced paranoia as:

· The Healthy Handle, a plastic device that you can slip over those “filthy, germ-infested” shopping cart handles to protect yourself from the horror of other people’s germs
· The Walkodile, a weird chain-gang like device for multiple kids to hold onto during walks, presumably so that they don’t wander out into the road and get hit by cars. It comes complete with bright yellow reflective sashes for the kids and crossing-guard-style vests for the adults
· How 43 percent of all parents now think that children under fourteen should not be allowed out of the house alone
· The fact that a 2007 survey by Trutex, a school uniform company, revealed that 59 percent of parents expressed an interest in having electronic tracking devices embedded in their children’s uniforms

But this paranoia is unfounded, Cairns argues, delving into brain science and evolutionary psychology to explain why we go into panic mode over things that, most likely, will never cause us harm. The fearful part of our brains, he claims, is a holdover from our caveman days, when we were much more likely to be killed by acute threats like saber-toothed tigers, poisonous snakes, and warfare with rival tribes. Back then, we needed that adrenaline rush to help us fend off these dangers.

These days we’re more likely to die from heart disease (killer of 1 in 3 Americans), cancer (annual risk of death 1 in 387), and car accidents (annual risk of death 1 in 140), but we don’t give these everyday threats enough credence. Instead, when the media presents us with novel threats – swine flu, terrorist attacks, child abductions – we react in much the same way as we would if Big Ugg were standing over us, club in hand.

Do I look like Ralph Wiggum to you?

Do I look like Ralph Wiggum to you?

Cairns’s main point, though, is that this primitive panic reflex is causing us to live impoverished lives. This is especially true of children. Lenore Skenazy, of the blog and book Free Range Kids, writes of moms who wait with their kids at the bus stop for the school bus, housing developments that want to ban kids under 16 from playing outdoors unsupervised, parents who are afraid to let their children go on sleepovers, and a day care center where, to gain access, you must pass through a “vascular recognition system” that identifies you by the pattern of veins on the back of your hand. Skenazy, who was once vilified for letting her 9-year-old son ride the subway by himself, rightly criticizes these helicopter parents. Kids aren’t Faberge eggs, after all: they’re little human beings who need an appropriate amount of independence if they’re to thrive. And, until full-body force fields are invented, there’s no way you can keep them – or yourself — safe from every risk out there.

What to do? Use your common sense, basically. Exercise. Eat well. Drive safely. Let your kids out of your sight once in a while when they’re old enough and ready for it. And, when it comes to germs, heed the advice my beloved grandma gave me at age 5 when I pouted about getting dirt on my Popsicle: “Aw, eat it anyway. You’ll eat a peck of dirt before you die.”

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“You Have No Honor!”: More Parallels Between Star Trek and Outlaws of the Marsh

“Great men do not seek power; they have power thrust upon them.” — Kahless

You take it! No, you! I insist! John and I continue to watch Outlaws of the Marsh, and we keep remarking at how much the Outlaws remind us of Klingons. A few episodes back, we watched a scene that was remarkably similar to one from Deep Space Nine. Seems Klingons and Song Dynasty bandits have the same ideas about how to deal with incompetent leaders (oh, if only we had a few of them around during the last administration).

Some background:  over the course of the last several episodes we’ve been watching, Lin Chong was framed, sent to prison, escaped, and was taken in by a group of outlaws living on Mt. Liang. He’s also been further characterized as a righteous man who has a very gentle demeanor – unless someone breaks a key moral law. So put him in the stocks and make him walk for miles to the next province to be thrown into jail, and he won’t say a word against you; heck, he’ll even give you money for wine. After all, you’re just doing your job. But betray him to a group of assassins, and he’ll show you no mercy, even if you beg and plead for your life. The importance of gratitude is shaping up to be a major theme of Outlaws so far: there have been several characters who were taken in by rich and powerful men, only to stab their benefactors in the back – and later come to violent (and, mostly, well-deserved) ends.

Chao Gai

Chao Gai, known as the "Heavenly King."

While Lin Chong is hanging out with the Mt. Liang cabal, another group of outlaws is forming in Shangdong Province: seven assorted ruffians and strongmen under the leadership of the wealthy Chao Gai. These guys, the “Righteous Seven” have sworn to fight government corruption. Word gets out that they’ve stolen a shipment of jewels and silks intended to be a birthday present from one government bigwig to another, and they too take shelter at Mt. Liang. (Of course, they all swear an oath that they didn’t steal the birthday presents “for personal gain.” For the story to work, you have to put aside your cynicism and accept them as Robin Hood-style heroes.)

But the leader of Mt. Liang, Wang Lun, doesn’t want to let the Seven stay, fearing they’ll take over. After he not-so-subtly tries to give them the brush-off, Lin Chong denounces him as an incompetent leader and a “man without honor” and runs him through with his sword. Everyone then exclaims that Lin Chong should take the role of leader, but he insists that Chao Gai would be the most appropriate choice. They argue back and forth for a bit, in a manner amusingly reminiscent of my parents and John’s vying over who will pay the bill in a restaurant (“No, no, we’ll pay. You paid last time.” “No, it’s okay!” “Courtney, take the check away from them!” – it’s so Chinese!) until Chao Gai relents and Lin Chong sits him down on the leader’s chair.

Watching this, John and I were reminded of the nearly-identical scene in Season 7 of Deep Space Nine, in which Worf denounces Gowron, kills him in a bat’leth duel, is upheld as the new chancellor, but insists Martok would make the better leader. We watched that same scene right after Outlaws, and the parallels were striking: there’s a symbol of the transfer of power, in this case the Chancellor’s robe; the would-be leaders both try to cede their title to one another; and Worf also claims Gowron is unfit to rule and lacks honor.

Cue the crazy eyes!

Gowron. Yes, his eyes always look that way.

Okay, so Lin Chong doesn’t roar over Wang Lun’s dead body, and Gowron doesn’t try to pay off the crew of the Rotarran with silver ingots and jewels. Still, it’s interesting that nearly-identical scenes should exist in two very different media. The Star Trek writers probably hadn’t read Outlaws of the Marsh, but the Klingons definitely seem inspired by Asian warrior cultures. Or maybe it’s archetypal: when you get a bunch of belligerent guys together, make them obsessed with honor, and create a power imbalance, things just tend to play out the same bloody (and entertaining) way.

Update:

By way of comparison, here’s the scene from DS9:

And the corresponding scene from Outlaws:

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“The Finest Organic Suspension Ever Devised”: Top 10 Coffee Moments in Starfleet History

Picard may love his Earl Grey, hot, Worf prefers prune juice, and the Cardassians can’t get enough kanar, but all those potables pale in comparison to the beverage Starfleet really runs on: coffee. More vital than plasma fluid, coffee’s what keeps admirals and ensigns alike up and alert whenever the Romulans attack or there’s a space-time continuum anomaly to be puzzled through. So, without further ado, I bring you the Greatest Coffee Moments in Starfleet History:

Regretting that last goblet of bloodwine?10. The Hangover Cure

Normally, Starfleet’s greatest lush orders his coffee Irish. But, after a wild night with some Klingons in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, Dr. McCoy requested it Janeway-style: “I’m gonna need a pot of black coffee,” he mumbled when he had to go on duty the next morning. Jadzia Dax also required the black stuff after her fateful “bachelorette party” – especially after Worf found out about the, um, unpleasantness with her future mother-in-law.

Stay away from my raktajino, and no one gets hurt. Maybe.9. Coolest Travel Mugs Ever

The Defiant was one sweet ship: fast, sleek, heavily-armed, and outfitted with some really great travel mugs. I want a travel mug with U.S.S. Defiant on it so badly, I can’t even tell you.

Coffee: Because you can't bribe someone with Vulcan mint tea.8. Where No Bean Has Gone Before

Captain Archer has a lot to answer for, but one thing he did right was to introduce Earth’s favorite caffeinated beverage to parts of the universe that did not yet know about its miraculous properties. In “Oasis,” he serves some to alien trader D’Marr, who likes it so much he accepts ten pounds of beans in exchange for information about the whereabouts of a downed ship. I like to imagine D’Marr took the beans back home with him, where his people learned to synthesize them and became a planet of java junkies.

I've had better-tasting yamok sauce!7.  Of Course It Sucks – It’s Decaffeinated!

When Kira is carrying the O’Briens’ baby, Miles worries his little one will be born a raktajino addict, so he has Quark create a decaf brew for Kira to drink. She takes one sip of the foul-tasting “Quark-tajino” and that plan gets tossed out the airlock. (And, in a deleted scene, Quark gets tossed out the airlock too for daring to serve Kira decaf, the p’tahk!)

Caffeeeeeeine rush!6. The Beans That Beat The Borg

In “Hunters,” Janeway delivers one of the greatest paeans to the brew in television history: “Coffee: the finest organic suspension ever devised. It’s got me through the worst of the last three years. I beat the Borg with it.” Take that, Earl Grey.

Now that I've had my coffee, I have enough energy to take out *all* these criminals!5. The Way To A Bajoran’s Heart

In his morning security briefings with Major Kira, Odo always makes sure he has a hot raktajino ready and waiting for her – because he’s in love with her, but also because he knows that, without her coffee, Kira’s even more likely than usual to go on a bloody, Cardie-killing rampage.

I taste like Sumatran French roast, extra dark.4. One With The Java

And so, when Odo develops his shape-shifting abilities to the point where he can appear to eat and drink, what beverage does he choose to emulate? Not Diet Coke, that’s for sure. (Actually, Odo doesn’t seem to have thought that one through that carefully. Given the number of coffee fiends on DS9, there’s a distinct possibility he might get swallowed.)

The best part of waking up / Is phasering your cup3. Need A Warm-Up, Captain Kirk?

Phasers. Great for killing your enemies, stunning people who get in your way, blasting down doors, and . . . keeping your coffee toasty. In “The Corbomite Maneuver,” Kirk is surprised when Yeoman Rand serves him a piping-hot cup of java. “I thought the galley wasn’t open,” he remarks. “I pulled out my hand phaser and zap! – hot coffee,” Rand replies. Ah, to live in the days when firing your phaser on board wouldn’t bring security down on your head.

This coffee's wasted on Archer, but I guess it's for the sake of the ship . . .2. Give Those Beans A Medal

What to do when the effects of a black hole have knocked out everyone on your ship (except you, as you have Vulcan!Super!Powers!) and you need to wake your captain up to help you fly the thing? Give him a cup of high-test. That’s how T’Pol, using a little ingenuity and a lot of good strong brew, saved the Enterprise in “Singularity.”

How long has that been sitting in the pot?! Aw, who am I kidding? I'll drink that anyway.1. “There’s Coffee In That Nebula!”

In the most coffee-centric episode of Trek, the most coffee-centric of captains risks flying her crew into a nebula because she can’t go another day without her beloved brew. Oh, Janeway might say she needed the energy from the nebula to run the warp core or something, but we know what her real motivation was.

Bonus: Janeway’s Java Jive

Check out this fun YouTube tribute to Janeway’s mad love for the bean:

(Thanks to TrekCore, Memory Alpha, and dreamsavvy.)

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Elizabeth Bennet Is My Wonder Woman

Much more fun than Cosmo.Pride and Prejudice and comic books seem to belong to two separate universes: one’s high tea with scones and clotted cream, the other’s hot buttered popcorn; one’s a hike through the Cotswolds, while the other’s a snowboard ride down a slope with plenty of moguls. But now, the two worlds have collided: There’s a P&P comic book, and geek girls everywhere can rejoice.

In this odd mashup, the Austen genes prove dominant. It’s definitely more of an illustrated P&P than an action-packed spectacle. Writer Nancy Butler faithfully adapts Austen’s words, and takes most of her dialogue verbatim from the novel. Readers looking for something more along the lines of the X-men may find it stodgy, but Austen fans will heartily approve.

The character design follows the 2005 version of the film: Lizzie bears a distinct resemblance to Keira Knightley, Jane to Rosamund Pike, and Darcy to Matthew Macfadyen (yawn), not Colin Firth. Wickham even sports a long blonde ponytail like he does in that movie. I would have liked to have seen more originality in the look of the characters.

Having a ball.The artist, Hugo Petrus, is skilled at capturing subtle facial expressions: anger, contempt, regret, and awakening love shine in his Lizzie and Darcy’s eyes. He’s also good at drapery, delicately hinting at the forms beneath those flowing Empire-waisted gowns. Parts of his characters are sometimes out of proportion, though: their arms can look distractingly emaciated and their hands too small.

The palette of the comic is lovely, all faded Venetian golds and yellow-greens and burgundies.

The covers are also fun: the first three of them are parodies of fashion magazines bearing such headlines as “Bingleys Bring Bling to Britain,” “Army Boys: 34 Reasons We Love Them (Other Than the Uniform),” and “Spring’s Randiest Ribbons.”

Also amusing are advertisers’ attempts to reach the P&P-goes-Marvel audience. Somehow I doubt that Janeites are going to become potheads or join the Navy (though we do like our cute cars, and the single gals will be glad the comic’s Got Hugh). But the worst ads have to be the ones that will convince women to stay far, far away from any comic book that doesn’t feature Mr. Bingley and the Bennet clan: I’m talking about the ones featuring “heroines” with boobs the size of their heads. Most offensive are the Marvel Divas, whose skintight uniforms suggest they were designed for (and possibly by) hormonal 13-year-old boys. The description on the Marvel site for this series reads:

The Marvel Divas. They'd fight crime, if they weren't so busy posing.

The Marvel Divas. They'd fight crime, if they weren't so busy posing.

“What happens when you take four of the Marvel Universe’s most fabulous single girls and throw them together, adding liberal amounts of suds and drama? You get the sassiest, sexiest, soapiest series to come out of the House of Ideas since Millie the Model! Romance, action, ex-boyfriends, and a last page that changes everything! Let your inner divas out with this one, fellas, you won’t regret it! Parental Advisory.” Suds and drama? Oooh, maybe they’ll get into a pillow fight!

Blech. I’ll stick with P&P, where “sexy” means a romance between a smart, witty woman and a tormented lord in tight breeches, and not four pouting minxes in latex.

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New Harry Potter Flick Is Intermittently Brilliant

Harry Potter(Contains spoilers for anyone who’s still not aware of the major plotlines of the book.)

Solid but often workmanlike, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince feels as though everyone involved wanted to get through with it and focus on the grand finale – the two-part Deathly Hallows, now being filmed. It’s a decent film, and yet there’s a restrained quality to it, as though director, actors, and crew alike are saving up the really good stuff for the big finish.

The film is directed by David Yates, who was responsible for the stunning Order of the Phoenix, easily the best of the Harry Potter movies so far. The Half-Blood Prince shares that film’s sculptural feel and the rainy-day quality of its lighting, but it simply doesn’t wow the way Phoenix did. It lacks its predecessor’s great set pieces (the denouement in the Ministry of Magic comes to mind) and its moments of throwaway beauty (Harry and friends flying past Parliament at night, mirrored in the Thames River below).

The film suffers from the same problem the book did: both mainly serve as exposition for the final showdown. But, while Rowling’s command of suspense kept the pages flying in the novel, the filmed Half-Blood Prince often feels slow, especially in its first hour. A confrontation between Harry and two Death Eaters at the Burrow, which does not appear in the book, helps to liven things up a bit, but viewers who aren’t that interested in the translation from page to screen might find themselves longing for more action.

Teen angst hits Harry and Hermoine.

Teen angst hits Harry and Hermoine.

Much of the plot, in fact, is concerned with the Ron-Lavender-Hermoine and Harry-Ginny-Dean love triangles. The (thoroughly PG-rated) teen romances are sweet, but often seem trivial against the backdrop of a looming Wizarding World War. Jessie Cave never quite hits the right note as Lavender Brown – her character winds up being just plain annoying, rather than humorously annoying, as she is in the book, and Cave can’t even manage a convincing scowl at rival Hermoine. Bonnie Wright is fine as Ginny, and the core trio are fine, too, though, as in previous films, they are overshadowed by their supporting cast. Radcliffe’s Potter is so inoffensive that he borders on the gormless. He’s nice, likeable, and, well, utterly average.

Now coming to an English department near you.

Now coming to an English department near you.

Much more interesting is the excellent Jim Broadbent as Professor Slughorn. Anyone who’s ever spent any time in an English department will recognize Slughorn: he’s that effete, tweedy professor who makes favorites of the apple-polishers and goes about speaking in literary allusions. Broadbent turns Slughorn from the little more than a caricature he was in the book to a pompous, self-satisfied, but oddly vulnerable character. There’s a great moment where he’s reminiscing about a present from Harry’s mom Lily, one of his old students, “a bowl holding about three inches of clear water, upon which floated a single flower petal. As I watched the petal sank to the bottom of the bowl where it became . . . a little fish! What a beautiful piece of magic.” Broadbent doesn’t just read these lines; somehow he remembers them, delight welling up in his eyes, as if he sees the bowl and the fish before him.

The Half-Blood Prince contains several of these tender little moments: Harry comforting Hermoine after she sees Ron and Lavender together; Ron’s joy at finally getting to be the hero of the big Quidditch match; Professor McGonagall lifting her wand to the skies to dispel the Dark Mark in the clouds after Dumbledore’s death. And, on the darker side, Tom Felton invests Draco Malfoy with depth and palpable inner conflict, while Helena Bonham Carter is once again gleefully mad as Bellatrix Lestrange, and Dave Legano, only onscreen for a few seconds, promises to be a feral Fenrir Greyback. These bits and pieces are far more moving than the film’s marquee moments but they’re still not enough to lift The Half-Blood Prince to greatness. It’s a solid, if not spectacular, addition to the franchise; fans won’t be disappointed, but they’ll still have cause to hope for better things once the Deathly Hallows movies hit theatres.

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The Sadomasochistic Joys of Sichuan Hot Pot

The Cauldron of FireOnly that which never ceases to hurt stays in the memory . . .

– Nietzsche

Last night, my in-laws introduced me to two varieties of Chinese fondue – a mild Cantonese version and the infamous Sichuan hot pot. I had been curious about hot pot ever since I saw Anthony Bourdain try it on No Reservations: I love spicy food, and figured anything that could reduce a tough guy like Bourdain to flop sweat and tears of pain had to be really, really intense. So I was psyched when I heard I’d get to try it.

Basically, hot pot is a combination of water, oil, and fiery hot peppers into which you dip bits of meat, vegetables, and tofu, fondue-style. The meat’s sliced very thin so it cooks up in a flash. My father-in-law chose ten types of protein-laden goodies ranging from the pedestrian (chicken, pork, lamb) to the somewhat bizarre (at least by wimpy American eating standards): pig livers, duck tongues, and tripe.

A typical hot pot spread.

A typical hot pot spread.

But everything tastes good when you cook it in searing-hot pepper broth and finish it with a little sesame oil and soy sauce. My apologies to Guangzhou: after one bite of meat cooked in the hot stuff, I never went back to the Cantonese version. The hot pot was simply too addictive. It made my nose run and my eyes water and all but had me breathing fire, my tongue periodically numbed by the natural Novocaine that is the Sichuan peppercorn, and I could not stop eating. Each bite brought a delicate balance between pleasure and pain—deliciously peppery flavor, bought at the price of having your mouth feel like you’d swallowed fire. But the pain was a good pain, somehow. It forced you to slow down and experience each bite, and that’s a rare experience these days. No one mindlessly gobbles Sichuan hot pot, simply because it’s physically impossible to do so without powerful anesthetic.

Tripe.

Tripe.

As for the “weird” bits, by and large, I liked them. I had had tripe before, at the Grand Asia Buffet in Cary, but of course I preferred the hot version. Tripe has almost no flavor of its own, so it pairs well with sauces or fondue-type deals. It’s basically a conveyance for the flavor of whatever you cook it in. Its texture is somewhere between that of al dente fettuccine and calamari – a bit chewy, with a distinctive “squeakiness” beneath your teeth. Fairly innocuous, really, once you get past the idea of eating cow’s stomach. I’m not ready to chow down on a big bowl of tripe just yet, but the stuff’s certainly growing on me.

Duck tongues.

Duck tongues.

Duck tongues were the surprise of the night. In both taste and texture, they resembled the bits of fat and skin and chewy stuff around the joints of a chicken wing. Each contained a long, flat bone that you had to eat around, and, after a few tries, I got the trick to it down pat. Duck tongues, again, don’t have that much flavor of their own, but they’re a good vehicle for sauce – and I bet they’d be tasty fried.

I wasn’t so crazy about the pig livers, which had a strong, metallic taste and a rich, intense texture, but I’d try them again if I got the chance.

We finished off the meal with noodles cooked in the hot pot, which had boiled down to a vivid, thick redness disturbingly reminiscent of magma. The noodles emerged from this primordial ooze redolent of oil, peppers, and the meaty flavor of everything that had gone in the pot before them. They were socko.

Post-hot pot, I felt pleased and a bit giddy to have braved the cauldron of fire—it had been a small adventure to start off the week, the culinary equivalent of the Path to Kal’haya.

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Books That Make You Dumb; or, Are We a Nation of Literature Snobs?

The cover alone is sapping my brainpower.Are readers of Gabriel Garcia Marquez smarter than fans of Nicholas Sparks? If you loved Lolita, does that mean you’ve got more going on upstairs than someone whose favorite book is He’s Just Not That Into You? We book nerds want to believe the answer’s a resounding “yes” (though, if pressed, we’ll admit that one can lead a fulfilling life without being able to name five characters from Pride and Prejudice) and now, we have been vindicated. Sort of.

Virgil Griffith, a graduate student (tell me you didn’t see that coming) in Computation and Neural Systems at Cal Tech, has tracked the correlation between reading habits and intellect – or, more precisely, between one’s favorite book and one’s SAT scores. After determining the top ten favorite books of students at 1,352 colleges (as posted on Facebook), he then determined the average SAT score of students attending each college, crunched the numbers, and came up with the nifty graph below:

Friends don't let friends read Nicholas Sparks.

Griffith’s methodology may not hold up to scientific scrutiny–and, in fact, he doesn’t intend it to, having done this for a hobby–but it’s yielded some interesting results. Books That Make You Dumb has been posted on BoingBoing, Jezebel, and Sociological Images, in part because of his startling finding that preferring certain African American authors is linked to lower SAT scores. (I’d argue that this is because African Americans, who presumably might favor authors from their own ethnic groups, have historically attended sub-par public schools which don’t prepare them well for standardized tests like the SATs. But this is clearly an issue with many facets: please do click the links above to follow the discussion.)

But one thing I find interesting about this data is the fact that you don’t know how much posturing is going on. People craft their Facebook personas carefully, and a lot of the “favorite” choices sound suspiciously highbrow. I’m skeptical of the people who just picked “Shakespeare,” for instance. He’s an author, not a book—does anybody seriously enjoy all the man’s plays that much, or did they just figure an affinity for the Bard made them sound smart?

But that’s the big picture. When you start looking at individual schools, the top book choices sound a lot less forced. Here are the students’ reading preferences in a few, uh, not-so-randomly selected schools:

Rank UNC Dook NC State Providence Brown
1. Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Gatsby
2. Pride and Prejudice (P&P) Mockingbird Bible Catcher in the Rye Harry Potter
3. Catcher in the Rye Ender’s Game Gatsby Gatsby Lolita
4. To Kill A Mockingbird Angels and Demons 1984 Angels and Demons Ender’s Game
5. Great Gatsby The Bible Da Vinci Mockingbird Crime and Punishment
6. The Bible Catcher Rye Lord of the Rings Tuesdays with Morrie 1984
7. 1984 1984 Harry Potter* Da Vinci [not reported]
8. Da Vinci Code Gatsby P&P P&P Shakespeare
9. Angels and Demons Kite Runner Angels and Demons 1984 P&P
10. Ender’s Game East of Eden [not reported] [not reported] Catch 22

It’s a mix of popular, readable stuff—Harry Potter, Dan Brown, Ender’s Game—and, well, books people read in high school—Gatsby, 1984, To Kill A Mockingbird. The latter finding is rather depressing: it seems students will either only read if some teacher makes them do it (though they may find a book they really like that way), or, in making their choices, they won’t venture far from the bestseller lists. The big exception is Brown, which may mean that the high schools Brownies attended assign stuff like Lolita and Catch 22, or simply that Brown kids are more pretentious. (I’m going with the latter. Heh.)

The most heartening finding? The popularity of Pride and Prejudice. If you need any proof as to the superiority of UNC to Dook and State, here it is.

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